How to Stop Being a People Pleaser - Day 402

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping the pattern of attempting and trying to decode other people’s personal preferences in regards to who I perceive that I have to be or what sides/aspects of me that I have to enhance and present of myself to be able to trigger, activate and generate positive experiences, opinions and internal thoughts/back-chats within the people/person that I am encountering – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot just simply let myself be me and express myself as who I am – but that I rather have to decode and assess what other people will react and respond to within and with a positive experience and thus align and mold myself accordingly – because being me is apparently not enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, want and need to attain the experiences of fitting in and being approved of and accepted by others, wherein I have allowed who I am when interacting with others to be and become influenced and conditioned by this desire to be able to confirm that others approve of me as the ‘who I am’ – instead of seeing and realizing that letting such desire, want and need to guide and move me has really in fact lead me nowhere – in the sense of looking at my underlying starting-point which is to get approved of, accepted and feel as though I am ‘a good person’, someone that is appreciated, respected and loved – and in that I realize that I am denying myself acceptance, self-approval, self-respect and self-appreciation - that I am, through looking for such aspects/points externally, stating that I refuse to give these points to myself, to live these points for myself as parts and points of me – and so I see and realize that for as long as I accept and allow myself to deny myself that which I see myself require within my relationship to me through searching for it outside of myself, I am at the same time making my relationship to me, to who I am and to how I see myself dependent on external factors which I really in fact CANNOT CONTROL – since I see and realize that how others may/might react and respond to who I am does not, and cannot, define, portray or depict who I really am – since what others think and feel about me would rather represent who they are in relation to looking at their life-experiences and memories – where I realize that who I am in other people’s minds will get filtered through layers of memories, past events, inherited opinions, beliefs and so on – since I see and realize that these are aspects, points and layers that I see through as well, where I realize that when I react towards something within positivity or negativity, then that is a result and outcome of how I have created my mind through memories and past events – as such I realize that when and how I internally react towards external circumstances and other people, is a result of my own acceptances and allowances and that I am thus responsible – and through that I also realize that how another reacts and responds to me, and how others perceives/sees me, is not something I can control – as I have no idea how others entire mind works – and within this I furthermore see and realize that it is mind-reactions, not even the real person – so there is really no reason for me to take it personally, fear certain reactions and desire others – that the real solution here would rather be to investigate and look at the aspect and points that I am searching for externally and so focus on how I can incorporate and give myself such points – so that I within this can stop letting my relationship with me be dependent and conditioned by external points which I cannot control.

• When and as I see that I am attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be and present myself as to be able to activate, trigger and generate positive experiences/opinions/perceptions/ideas within the people/person that I am interacting with – I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to be aware of who I am when being/interacting with others and thus aware of the tendency of attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be to be able to confirm and experience it as though others approve of, accept and validate who I am – wherein I stop myself when I see myself activating this program through the fear of ‘what others may think’ – and so re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe, and instead place my focus on being me – and in that I furthermore commit myself to work on my relationship with me from the perspective of stopping my participation within the search for external confirmation and validation and instead investigate and explore how I can give myself that which I see myself looking for externally, how and what I require to be able to really accept myself – to in that make sure that I take responsibility for standing stable within myself, accepting me, no matter how I perceive others to respond/react to me – to in that break the dependency and enslavement that I have formed towards external circumstances and instead focus on that which I actually can control, that which I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to change – as the relationship I have with myself from the perspective of what and why I deny myself that which I see myself require to be able to stop the endless external search and dependency – because within this I see and realize that being me, and actually accepting myself, is really something that I would want within my life and within my relationship to me – so, therefor I commit myself to, within this life, within my life, really embrace the opportunity to live within equality and oneness with myself through giving myself self-acceptance and self-respect – because where the pattern of searching for such aspects outside of me has lead me is really just nowhere, and will thus not lead to anything else in the future either – so therefor I commit myself to explore and investigate where I can lead myself with taking my life in my own hands and so decide to live self-acceptance for myself, to live self-respect for myself, to stand with myself instead of against myself.

I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will succeed in ways and within areas where I perceive myself to have failed within or am unable to succeed within – due to thinking and believing that if another person can succeed and manage to obtain a better result than me within areas that I participate within, then that must mean that I am not ‘as good as that person’ but am rather less than and inadequate – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the perception I have of my external performances/accomplishments to others, where I within that have allowed myself to create a pattern of constant comparison and competition in the sense of believing that who I am, and so my self-worth, is determined and measured by whether or not I perceive others to be better than me within areas that I participate within as well.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the image I present of myself to the world will be deteriorated and degraded if and when I perceive someone else to be better than me or more successful than me within areas of which I participate within as well.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have not ever within or throughout my life accepted and allowed myself to question this pattern of self-interest as how I exist and live within this world in relation to others, where all I have come to care about is presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question and ask myself why – in the sense of looking at and investigating how and why I believe that presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world would matter or determine who I am - I mean; here I am busy separating myself from all and everyone through a continuous pattern of competition, where I essentially want others to fail just so that I can portray myself as more successful within the mind, but – why? What purpose does that serve?

• And so within this I commit myself to, through my writings and my self-forgiveness, start to investigate, look at and question the patterns I have formed in relation to feeling the need to portray and present an acceptable image of myself to the world – where I see and realize that I do not even understand my own creation fully, where I exist within an obsession in regards to the results I obtain externally in the sense of fearing failure and desiring to be better than others within what I do – but in where I have never really asked myself why, since – no matter what I ‘accomplish’ externally I have still always feared failure and especially in the context of perceiving myself to not be as good as others, due to thinking and believing that if I do not manage to portray an acceptable image of myself to the world then that must mean that I am inadequate – and so to within this look at the pattern of competing with others, where I realize that the construct serve no purpose but is merely perpetuating my existence within separation from others – and am thus separating myself from me through comparing myself with points and aspects that are outside of me – instead of actually establishing a relationship with me where I live self-acceptance and in that expand and grow within what I do without utilizing the points of comparison and competition, but rather move myself and so stand with others in assisting and supporting myself and so others to expand, develop and grow.

When People Give Up On You - Day 374

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me within what I am doing.

How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.

Self-Inflicted Stress And Self-Anger - Day 372

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something – and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.

 

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an internal fight. 

The Difference Between Caring and Fearing - Day 371

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an experience first. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done – where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important – where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my life.

 

• And so within this I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ – to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear, but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.

When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367

I got a result back on a school-assignment and the feedback from the teacher went as following; “An A, of course”. These two last words, “of course”, made me realize how this is actually something I have created and linked a fear to and towards, because I see how this is triggering the program that I have created and manifested within me in relation to letting my starting-point behind why I work so extensively hard be based on fear of others disappointment - where I fear that I will not live up to the definition that I perceive others to have of me, especially in regards to teachers. In this I clearly see that teachers sees me as someone who will, “obviously”, always do what needs to be done to get an A. I mean, the last time that I did not receive an A, but instead a B on an exam, I almost started crying. Lol. It’s easy to laugh at it now, as I see how silly it is, but when I got the result back, saying “B, Well done!”, I felt as though my whole world was falling apart. That experience, and the fear thereof, is something that is currently directing me within my everyday participation – where I am constantly and continuously straining myself and pushing myself so hard as an attempt to avoid that experience that emerges within me whenever I perceive that I am not ‘the best’ or ‘achieving the best results as one possibly can’. When I get an A on the other hand, it’s like ‘nothing’ emerges within me, because it just fits my self-definition, it will not trigger anything as it is aligned with ‘my demands’ – so, I see how I am within this constantly pushing myself because of fear of having to face the experience that emerges within me when I am faced with a result that does not fit my self-definition, that is not aligned with what I believe others to expect of me.

So, what I see here is that I have formed a self-definition that is based on the belief and idea I have about what others expect of me in relation to my achievements in school and similar external participations in where one can either attain ‘good’ or ‘bad’ results. And I realize that I fear that other people will feel the same about me as I do when not achieving the best possible result – because I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that; blame, judge, upbraid and criticize myself so extensively and in where I consequentially take for granted and assume that other people, who expect me to achieve ‘the best possible result’, will think and feel the same way about me. I mean, even if I get an A on an exam but have one incorrect answer I will give myself permission to judge myself. Where I only see my ‘mistakes’ and apparent imperfections – and am thus never, ever seeing what I actually do manage to do, because what I manage to do is just like, not important, I will not register it. I mean, I see how I can never within this live self-acceptance or self-trust as I within this instead have decided to overlook and disregard my own capacity and in where I instead only see the small details that I perceive to be ‘imperfect’ and insufficient. In this I see that this is a contributing factor to the reverberating negativity that I incessantly exist within and as, as the current state of my beingness – where I will demand absolute perfection but expect that I will always fail. Realistically looking I see that it is not always possible to attain absolute perfect results; sometimes I might even misspell a word. Lol.

I realize that it is important for me, within my relationship with myself, to really release and free myself from this construct and program. Especially since I will start studying even more subjects in the near future – where I will have even less time, and thus I realize that this means that I must look at my situation rationally, seeing that it is unacceptable for me to continue compromising my self-support as a consequence and outflow of the construct I have manifested in where I constantly prioritize perfecting my external participation/achievements and within that neglect, disregard and put myself second.

I will walk this through with self-forgiveness in blogs to follow.

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs - Day 366

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the state of my beingness which is based on negativity, constantly and continuously anticipate and expect the worst in the sense of internally/mentally preparing myself for failure and despondency – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constitute and base my relationship to my external world and reality on the imaginations I form within the mind in relation to the worst possible outcome and scenario – where I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and throughout my life, think and believe that through utilizing and existing within this construct/relationship to my external world/reality I am in a way ‘prepared’ and geared for all the worst possible outcomes/situations that may/might emerge within my reality – and within this accepting and allowing the imagination to be and become the driving-force behind my external participation, where I just automatically give value to and trust the expectations and anticipations that comes up within the mind and in that not seeing or realizing how I am through this actually perpetuating the reverberating negativity, where I am accepting and allowing negativity to permeate and influence my relationship to me and so my relationship to this world as a whole  – and so within this I see, realize and understand that I am accepting and allowing myself to generate and perpetuate this state of negativity through accepting and allowing myself to exist within a construct where I give value to, trust and follow the imaginations where I anticipate and expect ‘the worst’ – and how I am within this not actually ‘preparing’ for ‘the worst’ but am instead creating and manifesting a constant experience of things being ‘impossible’, where I am actually not even giving myself the opportunity to just do what I see needs to be done but am instead already before preparing myself for failure, which in itself will create failure – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I have allowed myself to ‘make up my mind’, in the sense of accepting the imaginations that comes up as expectations of an outcome, I have already created and manifested that outcome and will consequentially manifest it within my practical reality – where I see and realize that I am creating and accepting limitations through forming an expectation within the mind in relation to the result of things. 

 

• Therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I am faced with a task/responsibility or see something that I must do and when I notice that back-chats such as; “I won’t make it” starts to come up within the mind, I immediately stop and take a deep breath, in where I slow myself down within the moment and in that stand as the directive principle of me – in where I take the decision to no more accept and allow myself to create and manifest limitations through forming and trusting a belief of myself as ‘not being able to make it’ – but instead I stabilize myself here until no energy is moving me – but where I instead take a stance to move myself, where I furthermore commit myself to live self-trust through practically do what I see needs to be done and within that realize that I can only do my best – but that when and as I accept and allow myself to anticipate failure I am actually self-sabotaging through creating and manifesting that limitation as something that I accept as a part of me – and therefor I no more accept and allow myself to limit myself through trusting imaginations in relation to whether I will manage to do things or fail, but instead I bring myself back to here and so trust myself and my capacity to be here and so do my best in every moment.

The Negativity Will Exist Until Perfection Exists - Day 365

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my whole approach to/towards my practical participation within school and to/towards my daily responsibilities to be and become permeated and infiltrated by an internal sensation of negativity – where I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed negativity to be and become a constant underlying sensation within me in where I continuously am attempting and trying to balance that negativity out through pushing myself harder within what I participate in – thinking and believing that I will be satisfied and at ease if only I become better at what I do, if only I become perfect and do not have to put so much effort into school, if only I become soooooo good that it will just ‘come natural’ – lol. And so within this I see, realize and understand that I have formed and manifested an approach and attitude towards my life in where I am in a way thinking and believing that the state of negativity and underlying sensation of ‘not being satisfied’ is somehow based on and linked to how hard I must work, how much effort I require to put into things and how ‘being perfect and attaining perfect results in my practical participation’ does not come ‘natural’ to me – and in where I am utilizing these beliefs to move and push myself – believing that I will be satisfied and at ease only when ‘things come natural to me’ in the context of not having to ‘work hard’ but instead just kind of like having ‘an easy life’. 

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to counteract and balance out the inherent state of my beingness which is based on negativity through, without even seeing or being aware of it, constantly search and look for the polarity of positivity to cover up and suppress this reverberating negativity – where I have accepted and allowed myself to search for this positivity and attempted to become satisfied with my life and so with myself through pushing myself to become better at what I externally participate within – not seeing or realizing how I am and have always been trying to escape the internal constant negativity through searching for an experience of being satisfied with life and with myself outside of me – not seeing or realizing how I am merely within this separating myself from me, because in this I have just unconditionally and unquestionably accepted and absorbed the inherent sensation and state of negativity where I thus continuously anticipate and assume that things will be hard and tough for me, that I have to work really hard all the time and that I require to be ’prepared for failure’.

 

• In this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life and daily participation complicated, difficult and a burden through just allowing myself to assume and anticipate that things will be hard – not seeing or realizing that I can actually decide for myself how I will approach things, that existing within a constant state of negativity will not, and cannot, actually help me in any way – and so I see, realize and understand that I require to take my life in my own hands and in that stop this state of my beingness, to stop the sensation of negativity and in that furthermore stop the continuous attempt to cover it up through attempting to attain the positive polarity of ‘becoming satisfied’ through looking and searching outside of me.

 

• I commit myself to assist and support myself in situations and moments where I see that the sensation of negativity emerges within me, where I see that it is most prominent within moments where I am faced with tasks/responsibilities/school-work, and in where I thus become aware of such moments and my approach towards it – in where I assist and support myself through stopping and breathing when I see that my starting-point and attitude towards what I am doing is based on negativity and in that I ground myself here – in where I make sure that I do not accept or allow the negativity to move me or direct me and in where I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to attempt/try to cover the sensation of negativity up by searching and looking for positivity within what I externally participate within – but to instead be here, alive, in where I take the decision to move myself – and within this giving myself the opportunity to simply just be here, face, approach and walk through my daily responsibilities/tasks/school-work with me being the directive principle of myself and thus no more accepting and allowing negativity to be the state of who I am.