Anorexia - When starvation becomes an achievement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of, define and see ’not eating’ and restrictive eating as ‘an achievement’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, as well as define, eating and the act of eating as ’a failure’ - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a polarity-construct in relation to the act of eating and not eating - where, instead of simply seeing it as an act of self-care and as a crucial life-sustaining action, as an essential part of maintaining alive as well as making sure that all the functions of the living body is sustained and supported, I would complicate the act of eating through involving the mind – making eating, and not eating into actions that I, within my mind, allowed to become points which would represent and define whether or not I am achieving/an achievement or failing/a failure.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally trust and support the idea and belief of myself as being a failure when I eat and when I take care of my human physical body through making sure that all my physical needs are met, in this just blindly and automatically trust the experience of having failed, of doing something wrong, of being undisciplined, when and as I eat and thus support the sustainment of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the thought and furthermore the experience of ‘having achieved something great’ that emerges in situations/moments wherein I perceive it as though I have ‘managed’ to restrict my food-intake to be less than what I would actually require in terms of supporting all the functions/parts/aspects of my physical body during a day – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empower and feed such thought and experience through just automatically and blindly trust it to be a representation of reality, as though it is true, that I apparently have achieved something through ignoring and neglecting what my physical body requires – instead of, within such moments, slow myself down and question if this experience, if this though, really is trustworthy.
And within this I realize that this thought and this experience of ‘having achieved’, of ‘being an achievement’, is actually not in fact real in any way what so ever – that it is not to be trusted, that it has never in fact ever represented reality.
Therefor I commit myself to, in such moments where I see myself going into thoughts and experiences of ‘having achieved’ when perceiving it as though I have ‘managed to restrict my food-intake’ – to stop, breathe and take a step back – meaning; having a look at the thought, having a look at the experience – and to start questioning such thoughts and/or experiences that comes up within the mind – and so, through slowing myself down within such moments, giving myself the opportunity to really look at what comes up and instead of just blindly and automatically trust what comes up within the mind – I start questioning it from the perspective of asking myself ‘is this really a representation of reality?´- and so, through this, I realize that the experiences and thoughts that I have linked to the act of eating, and to the act of not eating/restricting my food-intake, does not support me as life in any way what so ever. And I realize that this is not the type of relationship I want for myself, to myself – that I can decide, in such moments, to stop, breathe, take charge, and change. And therefor I commit myself to practice this point of slowing myself down, of questioning what emerges, in moments where I see that I perceive myself to having ‘achieved’ through not eating/restricting my food-intake – to question if this act really is what it means to ‘achieve’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the thought and thus the experience of myself as ‘being a failure’ when and as I perceive it as though my food-intake during a day/during a meal meets the amount of energy that my physical body requires or in situations where I perceive my food-intake to be more than ‘what I had planned it to be’ and/or ‘more than what I perceive to contain “an acceptable amount of energy” – and in this just blindly following the thoughts that emerges in where I connect and link my food-intake, which I perceive to be ‘too much’ to ‘me, being a failure/having failed’ – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that eating and the amount of energy that I consume through the food that I eat has nothing to do with being a failure and/or achieving.
Within this I commit myself to, within moments where I see myself going into thoughts and/or experiences of ‘being a failure’/’having failed’, slow myself down, stop and breathe – where I take a step back and start questioning such thoughts and/or experiences instead of just blindly, automatically and unconditionally support and trust these experiences and/or thoughts. And within this I commit myself to see and realize that I can actually decide for myself who I am within a moment, that I can decide whether or not I am going to participate within the thoughts and the experiences – and so within that I see, realize and understand that I am the one deciding, that I am the one who has the power to create, and recreate my life and my relationship to myself and to food. And so I commit myself to take this power back to me, to stop giving my mind the power to decide over me, over my relationship to food and to myself – but to instead make sure that I take responsibility for what I decide to participate within in these moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am failing at being disciplined when and as I allow myself to eat, and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define eating as being undisciplined, and not eating as being disciplined – in that not even for a second question this belief, these definitions that I have created – but would rather just take it, as ultimate truths, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that being self-disciplined has nothing to do with physical harm, has nothing to do with ‘being able to resist physical signals’.
In this I see, realize and understand that real, actual self-discipline is to move oneself, rather than letting the mind move, dictate, guide and lead. And so I see, realize and understand that I have been looking and searching for an experience of ‘being disciplined’ – and letting the mind guide me, trusting the mind to tell me what I require to do to be able to attain this experience of ‘achieving’ and ‘being disciplined’ – and in this I furthermore see how this has in fact lead me nowhere, that I am merely constantly chasing after an experience which isn’t even real, as is shown when looking at these short moments wherein I will attain the experience of ‘being disciplined’/’achieving’ – since these moments/situations merely lasts for a second – and then I will have to go and do the same process of not eating/restricting myself from eating over and over again to be able to attain such experiences once again. And in this I see and realize how this is indicating, and showing me, that the experiences are in fact not real – that they are dependent on me, repeating a specific behavior over and over again, and that this behavior leads me nowhere except to the end of physical life. And in this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question where the behaviors and acts that I participate within to achieve the short moments of experiencing myself as not being a failure/achieving leads me, but would rather in despair and desperation just blindly and unconditionally allow the mind to tell me what I require to do to be able to feel disciplined, to feel good, to feel like I’m achieving and not failing.

In this I see, realize and understand that I require to start questioning where the habits and behaviors that I am participating in habitually leads me,  because I realize how this act of ‘not eating’ or restricting my food-intake is clearly not the way to go about if I want to attain real achievement/real self-discipline. And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to live real self-discipline I require to lead myself, to lead myself out of the mind and thus move myself, to take control and stop myself from just blindly and automatically following what I believe, within the mind, to be what ‘needs to be done’ for me to be able to avoid the experience of being a failure. And within this realize how what the mind tells me to do has lead me nowhere, that it has never in fact helped me in creating a real, sustainable, everlasting self-acceptance of who I am – that as long as I follow what I, within the mind, believe to be ‘the solution’ I am perpetuating the polarity-construct where I go from feeling like a failure to feeling like I am achieving, over and over and over and over again – that it will never end until I stand up and end it, that I will merely jump from a positive to a negative experience, and that the negative experience of ‘being a failure’ will never in fact ‘disappear’ through me, letting the fear of such experience guide and lead me in my actions, in what I decide to do.
And thus I realize that to in fact be able to ‘get away from’/release myself from this experience of being a failure – I require to face it, to stop the constant attempt of running away from it/suppressing it through acting according to it – that I require to make a change and try something else – because I realize that what I have done, what I have tried thus far, will not ever lead me anywhere else than where I am right now. And this is not what I want for myself, this is not the life that I want to live, this is not something I can stand for – and so, why not give myself the opportunity of giving myself the life that I really would want for myself, why not give myself the chance of experiencing something else, of exploring what it really would be like to live a life in where I move myself, where I decide what to participate in and what not, where I actually live self-discipline through not letting an experience within the mind bully me, to not let an experience within the mind lead me to slowly killing myself.

Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life and living in relation to what I practically do within my daily participation as dull, boring, insignificant, unfulfilling, incomplete and unsatisfying – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously just blindly and automatically allow the experiences of being unsatisfied, bored and unfulfilled to exist and take over when it comes up within me, as though ‘that is just the way it is and has to be’– without seeing and realizing that the ‘way it is’ is my creation, that both the experiences I have formed as responses to what I do within my practical living and the actual life I decide to live as what I participate within is all based on my decisions, on me deciding to be unsatisfied with what I do within my life but still just continue living as is due to convenience – wherein I see and realize that I require to actually take responsibility for my own life and living through, within self-honesty, look at, investigate and sort out the continuous experiences I have in relation to my living and within that make clear, direct decisions within my life.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid, strict, stiff, oppressive and restrained as who I am and within what I do practically – where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the moment from the perspective of allowing some spontaneity and self-expression but have instead allowed myself to become completely constraint and restricted – where I see and realize that I have self-sabotaged for myself within my life and living through constantly and continuously thinking about the things that I ‘have to do’ and the responsibilities I have and where I have consequentially formed my daily living according to fear of not getting things done, on fear of not being enough and doing enough – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may/might think and the possibility of others becoming disappointed/angry/annoyed with my performance/effectiveness if or when I would not get ‘enough’ done within my day or not do the things that I perceive others to expect of/from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one manipulating and sabotaging through accessing fear of others and fear of others possible opinions of me and what I do within my life - and within that letting such fear guide, move and direct me – instead of me, asking myself, what I require to be able to give myself the life that it is that I would really want for myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that this is actually my life – and how I choose to live is my decision alone – and, deciding to live within fear of not being who I think others want me to be and fear of not being ‘enough’ is not what I want for myself, is not what I want my life to be based on and driven by – and so I see, realize and understand that only I can change this and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of not being ‘enough’ in the eyes of others – where I within this stop my participation and ground myself here through breathing – where I take a stance to no more accepting and allowing myself to follow, comply with and allow fear of others to direct me within my life, within my daily decisions and within my practical participation – but instead I support myself through slowing myself down, making sure that my starting-point behind what I practically do is that of self-direction and self-movement.

Control The Way You React to Life's Daily Drawbacks - Day 411

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate the worst case scenario within situations as an attempt to ‘prepare’ myself due to thinking and believing that it would be easier to face ‘the worst’ if I have prepared myself mentally – not seeing or realizing how I am within this merely creating and generating worry, stress and fear rather than preparing myself to face whatever comes up when it is here – as I within this see, realize and understand that what I am apparently preparing for within the mind is not an actual representation of physical reality as I cannot for certain know what the future may/might bring – so within this I see and realize that I am creating an alternate reality as an imagination within the mind, and that participating within such imaginary reality does not in any way prepare me for what may or might come – that I am within this rather generating and fueling internal experiences of helplessness and powerlessness – and therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically and instantaneously go into, participate within and trust the mental ideas, conceptions and representations of the worst scenario that comes up within the mind instead of seeing and realizing that participating within and trusting these mental ideas, conceptions and representations of the worst case scenario that comes up within the mind does not actually in any way prepare or support me to be able to stand stable within myself and face whatever is here – and so I realize that not a single mental idea and imagination in relation to the future that comes up within the mind has never and will never assist and support me to face actual reality in stability – that the only way to actually face real reality in stability is through me, directing and moving myself out of imaginations and instead make sure that I face what is here in every moment.

• Within this I see, realize and understand that anticipating the worst and participating within internal imaginary realities wherein I envision the future as what it would be like if the worst possible thing that could happen actually would happen, is really not something that supports me – I mean, I have seen, so many times, how such participation is really just in fact causing internal conflict and friction, wherein I see and realize that I am making a situation worse and harder for myself through my internal participation – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing the mind to just take charge - from the perspective of me, just blindly accepting and allowing what comes up as imaginations within the mind – I am really just in fact inflicting stress, anxiety, fear and worry – where this acceptance and allowance thus places my physical body under even more strain in situations and moments where my physical needs stability and care the most.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my own future in relation to the things and aspects of life that I really just cannot change or decide over – and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, yes, there are things in life that I cannot control – but what I do have control within and can direct is who I am in relation to the things in life that I cannot control – where I see, realize and understand that what would support me is to rather place my focus and attention on that which I can decide over rather than on that which I cannot control – and in this I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am preoccupied with imaginary realities and future projections within the mind – where I within that re-instruct myself to direct my focus and attention and to instead place my awareness here, where I commit myself to support myself through focusing on stabilizing myself rather than accepting and allowing myself to keep myself preoccupied with that which I cannot control or change – to within this see, realize and understand that participating within internal imaginary realities will not make me prepared, will not change practical, physical reality but will rather make me unstable, worried and anxious – so therefor I commit myself to focus on and give myself the practice that I require to be able to stand stable within myself and face actual reality and actual scenarios in real-time however the situations may be – and in this trust myself to face what is here and walk through what is here – and I commit myself to practice this point through immediately stopping my participation within anticipations and future projections when it comes up and instead bring myself back to here, breathe, ground myself and so face what is here in this moment.

When Life Takes an Unexpected, Shattering Turn - Day 410

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate, expect and fear the worst within situations where I am faced with something that I cannot foretell in the sense of not knowing exactly what the future might bring – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume and anticipate that the worst possible thing that could happen will happen – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within internal imaginations and future projections that are based on an alternate reality, representing the worst thing that I believe could happen – instead of seeing and realizing that participating within such future projections and internal imaginations is really not supporting me in any kind of way but that such participation will rather just generate experiences of fear, anxiety stress and worry – and I realize that instead of placing my focus and attention within internal imaginary realities that leads to internal turmoil I can within the moment decide not to participate, not to go into and not follow such imaginations but to instead realize that I know where such internal participation leads, and it’s really not supporting me in any kind of way – and so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I see that my attention and focus are within an imaginary and illusive reality that is playing out within the mind – where I within this stop my participation, breathe and change my focus back to here, back to that which exist directly here as the physical – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly follow what comes up due to thinking and believing that it in some way can help me – but instead I commit myself to immediately stop, where I stop following and stop complying with what comes up and instead bring myself back to here, back to breath where I focus on what is here within the moment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being ‘mentally prepared’ for the worst case scenario in the sense of being faced with a reality that I haven’t conjured up within the mind beforehand – and so within that thinking and believing that I am doing myself a favor through imagining and playing out all the different scenarios and futures that I believe to be possible outcomes – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and my capacity to face and walk through any situation, as the actual real reality, when it is here – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot walk through or face something beforehand, before it is actually, physically, practically here – and that when I ‘attempt to prepare myself’ I am actually ONLY inflicting and generating fears, anxiety and stress – so, therefor I see and realize that I am participating within, accepting and allowing, self-manipulation and self-sabotage when and as I believe that I require to and am doing myself a favor through internally imagining and playing out the worst case scenario – that it will not in any way support me – and I see, realize and understand that supporting myself through this would be to focus on being here, on stabilizing myself within my relationship to me and live self-responsibility through realizing that I do have the capacity and the ability to face and walk anything when it is here, that I do have me, that I do have the tools with which to utilize to stabilize myself within situations and moments – so therefor I commit myself to make sure that I participate in, face and walk through that which exists directly here as the physical, and trust myself and my capacity to support myself and to do what is best within any given situation – and in that realize that I can only walk and face that which exists directly here – moment by moment, one breath at a time.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the mind where I attempt and try to find out all the different possible outcomes and results, as how my future may or might look or change, when I am being faced with something unexpected as new information that I was not aware of and did not take into account previously – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of complete paranoia through letting the mind run rampant when being faced with something unexpected – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to fathom how my life may or might change within the mind – where I see and realize that I cannot look at something direct and cannot see clearly when I accept and allow myself to trust imaginations and thoughts and experiences that emerges within the mind as a response to unexpected information – because within that I am taking things to an extreme, where I see and realize that I cannot trust what emerges as a response within the mind because in that I am merely preventing myself from looking at solutions, from looking directly at what is here, what I can practically do with such information, what I require doing to assist and support myself and so walk it, step by step, seeing what needs to be done as an assessment of what I require and need within my relationship to me, within my life and reality and so align my life and living accordingly – and in this I see and realize how simple it is, and how I make it complicated and overwhelming when it in practicality doesn’t have to be that way, where I see that I can make it easy through assisting and supporting myself to stop trusting what emerges within the mind as a response and instead practically look at if there is something I require to do/change within my life and living and thus what I can do with such information – where I see and realize that all I require doing is to continue assisting and supporting myself, making sure that I prioritize supporting my physical and stabilizing my internal – and how, if or when my life may or might change is then something I walk when it is here, and align my self-support according to what is here – and therefor I commit myself to walk this for myself, to assist and support myself through looking at what I require to do and what I can do to support myself within every moment – where I align myself with that which is here, where I assess practically what I require within the moment and so walk it and align it according to what exists directly here.

Facing The Storms Of Life By Yourself - Day 409

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others or another will think or believe that I am in some way dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate reaction of anger and aversion when and as I perceive a pattern within another that indicates that that person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person – where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear to and towards becoming dependent on or in some way count on another; from the perspective of expecting something from another or expecting another to be here for me when I, in some way, would require or be in need of assistance or support – as I within that have linked and connected such dependency to undoubtedly and definitely getting disappointed, deceived and let down – and where I thus turn this fear of getting let down by another into anger, where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern wherein I push people away through anger, exclusion, spitefulness and aversion as an attempt to protect myself from getting disappointed, deceived or let down in the future – where I am projecting myself into the future and accessing memories of my past wherein I experienced such scenarios with the beings that supposed to be responsible for taking care of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may or might, within a relationship with another being, create assumptions in relation to expecting that the other being will be there for me, assist or help me in situations or moments where I have formed the presumption that the other being would respond through standing by my side when I am faced with something that I perceive as difficult or hard to walk through and face on my own  – and so within this fear accepting and allowing myself to push people away through utilizing anger, spitefulness and exclusion immediately when or if I perceive another to in some way show any form of pattern that implies that the other person thinks or believes that I expect something, am in need of or dependent on that being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and assume that if another person forms the idea and belief of me as being dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person in any kind of way, then such idea and belief would further result in the other being feeling obligated to assist and support me – as though it is a duty rather than the other being actually wanting to stand by my side and/or face and walk through something together with me - and through this I see, realize and understand that I have formed this pattern in where I react in anger, aversion, spitefulness and push people away as a response within situations/moments wherein I interpret it as though the other person’s starting-point and underlying reason for assisting/supporting/standing by my side is based and founded on an experience of obligation – where I see how the interpretation I form within the mind of another person, feeling obligated to stand by my side will activate a program and pattern within me where the intention is to show another that I absolutely do not need no one and that I definitely do not expect another to be there for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and superimpose anger onto another if or when I perceive the person to show any form of pattern that I perceive as an indication of that being thinking or believing that I expect assistance or support in any kind of way – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to such interpreted pattern through excluding and ostracizing the other – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this anger that comes up within me in situations where I perceive another to think or believe that I expect something from or am dependent on that being, is actually self-anger – because within this I see, realize and understand that these instances/circumstances are triggering self-anger within me – where I become angry with myself as a result of seeing that I have allowed myself to form expectations, a dependency and attachment to another person – that I have allowed myself to ‘become vulnerable’ from the perspective of accepting and allowing myself to get influenced by who and how another person decides to be and so whether or not another person decides to stand by my side when I am faced with and have to walk through something difficult – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry at and blame myself when I see myself getting disappointed as a response to another person’s behavior and/or decision of who to be in relation to that which I am faced with and have to walk through – in where I see and realize that when I notice that I get influenced in any kind of way due to another person’s decision of who to be as a response to who I am or what I am faced with, I will immediately go into self-anger – due to thinking and believing that letting myself get influenced by another person’s behavior is an indication of me, accepting and allowing myself to not be independent and strong enough but rather having allowed myself to become  weak and stupid for expecting or wanting a specific response from another person – where these situations become moments where I am in a way telling myself ‘I told you so’ in spitefulness, where I blame myself for not living according to the principle of ‘trust no one’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form a general idea about people wherein I think and believe that others are not to be trusted, that others will always betray, lie and leave, that allowing myself to assume or expect something or anything from another will always with no exceptions lead to disappointment, that I am not to count on or expect others to support or help me when I require assistance, that I am not to think that others would want to help me if I would to ask for assistance, that others will always leave or in some way deceive, that allowing myself to in any way get attached to another is the most dangerous thing I can expose myself to – and within this not seeing or realizing how this indicates a total lack of self-trust, as I am within this expecting and assuming that I cannot trust myself to be able to stand stable within situations where I perceive others to betray, live, leave, let down, deceive etc. – thus thinking and believing that I require to prevent myself from ever exposing myself to such conditions – instead of seeing and realizing that what I rather would require as a point of prevention is for me to incorporate and really live self-trust and self-support – where I rather learn and practically live within self-stability in my self-relationship, trusting myself and so my capacity to face situations and have relationships with other beings without having to fear others possible behaviors but rather stand within myself, trusting myself and so realize that all I need is me, is my self-trust, is my commitment to not disappoint myself or let myself down from the perspective of not living self-care and thus supporting myself no matter external circumstances/situations – wherein I see and realize that what I would require is for me to really understand that what I for certainty can trust is myself and my capacity to direct myself within a situation to support myself, to make sure that I stand by my side, wherein I realize that another or others behaviors or what another decides to do are not to be taken personally, as I see and realize that a decision made by another is never in fact caused by me and so not my responsibility.

• When and as I think and believe that I see a pattern within another that indicates that the person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person and in where I see myself reacting in fear and anger where I feel the urge to push the other away – I stop and I breathe – in this I commit myself to slow myself down and take a moment to ground myself here – wherein I stop my participation within anger and realize that excluding, projecting anger and spitefulness outwards onto another will not and cannot solve my internal experiences – because within this I see, realize and understand that when anger emerges within me it is merely indicating self-anger, and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to take such anger out on another but instead I commit myself to support myself through standing as my self-awareness, where I re-instruct myself within the moment and direct myself out of the pattern through first making sure that I slow myself down through breathing and in that ground myself here, within myself, where I take the decision to stand by my side, to support myself and to realize that I do have me – and therefor I commit myself to always make sure that I am here for me, that I stand here with me and in that practice on accepting and embracing the support and assistance that others give, where I realize that others supporting me is their decision – and as I realize that I remain here by my side, with me, supporting myself, I further see that there is no need in fearing and resisting others support or fearing that I may not be able to trust the support – because no matter what, I make sure that I stand by my side.

When Pride Gets in The Way - Day 408

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people that possesses a skill or knowledge within a specific  area/subject will, may or might see me as less than and inferior if I appear as completely lost within that particular subject through not possessing  any skill/understanding/knowledge what so ever – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to adjust, mold and change myself, where how I change and what I decide to ‘enhance’ gets determined by how I see and perceive another, in the context of what the individual that I am encountering seems to be good at or proficient in – and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an automatic pattern that is based on fear of appearing as stupid/less than, wherein I see and realize that I am merely sabotaging for myself, as I am within this pattern preventing myself from expanding/growing through learning from another person’s expertise , as I am preoccupied with trying to hide and conceal the lack of knowledge I perceive myself to possess in comparison to the other person – and so within that missing an opportunity to expand my understanding due to accepting and allowing fear of appearing as stupid to direct and take power over me – where I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that becoming experienced within a specific area or subject is not something that just ‘happens’ to a person, meaning; it isn’t something that will just automatically and miraculously manifest within a person, but that it is something one has to learn through experience, something one has to practice and specify – and so I see and realize that another person that possesses a specific understanding/experience/knowledge has developed such attainment through space and time, and most often through others, through asking others questions – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid thinking and believing that I mustn’t appear as stupid in front of others through revealing that I am not as skilled or have as much knowledge and experience as I perceive another to have within a specific subject/area – when I could instead see it as an opportunity for me to learn something new, expand and grow.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I understand and grasp what another person is talking about and/or attempting to explain to me due to fearing the possibility of being judged by the other or having the other person form an opinion of me as being stupid or unintelligent if I would admit that I do not fully comprehend the information that is being shared or the subject that is being discussed – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend as though I comprehend something in situations where I have asked another for assistance and support to understand, and wherein I get an explanation but still can’t seem to fully grasp what is being shared – where I stop and prevent myself from asking again or admitting that I still don’t understand due to thinking and believing that the other person will or might judge me as slow/stupid/retarded if I do not immediately grasp what is being shared or explained to me the first time.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist asking for help, assistance and support from others – where I see and realize that I have made this point of asking for help, assistance or support into ‘a big deal’ from the perspective of having linked and connected ‘asking for help’ to being less than and inferior to others, not smart enough, not strong enough, not independent – not seeing or realizing how such ego-definitions are really just preventing me from learning, from actually expanding and growing – where I am compromising MY life - where I am through this essentially stating that I’d rather struggle with something and spend time trying to work shit out myself instead of  simply asking someone that I see can explain or support me for some help so that I do not have to go through something on my own – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my life as a result of ‘pride’ from the perspective of looking at how I constantly and continuously stop and prevent myself from asking for support due to thinking and believing that it is shameful to depend on others, that it is shameful to admit that I do not know it all, that I may not be strong enough to lift a car on my own – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate experience of fear if and when I see or perceive another person to think and believe that I depend on them, that I expect something from another or that I am in need of another to be able to do something.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself through further investigation in relation to this pattern and point that I have formed in regards to resisting and stopping myself from asking others for assistance and support and I furthermore commit myself to support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am restraining and stopping myself from asking others that I see could help me with something that I am faced with due to fear of what the other may/might think – where I no more accept and allow myself to follow and comply with this fear but instead I move and direct myself to stop this pattern and thus practically practice on slowing myself down, breathing and move through the fear to then support myself through and with the help of others so that I can give myself the opportunity to take part of others understanding within the areas of which I do not fully grasp yet.

The Mind Will Show You Whom You Should Fear - Day 407

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an internal experience of fear and inferiority as an automatic response that gets activated and triggered by and within situations where I am faced with or perceive another person within my surrounding/closest environment to show any form of pattern that I have linked to and see as indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I see and realize that I have formed this automatic response as a program that gets activated within me whenever I perceive another person within my external reality to be superior/dominant as a consequence and result of my past and memories, in this thinking and believing that I must change who and how I am to become submissive and as invisible as I possibly can to prevent the possibility of triggering/activating anger/rage within the person that I interpret to be dominant/superior, due to believing that I am placing myself and my life at risk and in danger if I activate or trigger anger/rage within another – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to situations wherein I perceive myself to be faced with a person that is dominant/superior through physically changing my behavior and who I am into becoming more silent, repressed and where I suppress and hide myself in the sense of attempting and trying to not cause any ‘trouble’ but rather be silent so that I won’t come across as provocative – and in this just unquestionably accept this continuous response and change in behavior without even considering why, as I see and realize that this behavior is really not assisting or supporting me but is rather making my relationship to me and so my relationship to others completely messed up – where I also see and realize that I do have another option, that I could just as well decide to stop this unsupportive behavior through within the moment decide not to participate, not to respond within an automation but to instead move myself and decide who I am going to be in every situation – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid to continue existing within this automation as I realize that it is not helping me, it is not supporting me but rather fucking me up within my relationship to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my physical behavior as my posture, movements and interactions within situations and moments where I perceive another person within my surrounding/environment to show any form of pattern that I interpret as indications of dominance/authority/superiority – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moments and situations in where I perceive myself to be faced with a being that I see as dominant/superior to be and become circumstances wherein I habitually and unquestionably change myself as who I am and behave externally – not seeing or realizing that just because I perceive myself to be faced with a being that shows any form of pattern that I have connected to dominance/authority/superiority does not automatically mean that I have to adjust, mold or change myself as who I am – but within this I realize that I have formed a belief of it being important and necessary for me to change myself dependent on how I perceive beings within my environment to be, as an attempt to kind of like form a ‘balance’ – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior and practical participation due to thinking and believing that if I remain being just me then the whole situation will become out of balance in the context of thinking and believing that the person that I perceive to be dominant/superior would react in anger if I do not practically and physically change myself to become more silent, compliant, submissive and passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link anger and rage to patterns within others that I perceive to be indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the inclination to react in rage and anger are greater and more prominent within individuals that I consider to be or show patterns that I have linked to authority/superiority/dominance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and merely participate within my own imaginations and beliefs in regards to who and how another person is – instead of seeing and realizing that I cannot in any way know or understand the entirety of another person’s entire mind, and so in that I realize that I am drawing conclusions based on previous events and memories instead of allowing myself to participate in that which are here, and so observe and interact with real, actual reality.

• In this I commit myself to practice within situations/moments wherein I see that I have formed a perception of another individual within my surrounding as being dominant/superior/ authority – where I within such instances stand within my awareness, where I see the tendency that I have formed in relation to reacting in fear and letting such fear trigger the pattern and automatic response of going into inferiority – and so within that I commit myself to slow myself down through stopping and breathing when I see myself react due to someone within my environment, where I assist and support myself to prevent myself from going into an automatic response where I change my behavior, but instead practice on remaining here, standing within and as stability and thus assist and support myself through being aware of the pattern and in that no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically follow and comply with – but instead I take my life in my own hands, where I direct myself to take self-responsibility through not accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority but to instead move and instruct myself to focus on being me, on remaining here and so place my awareness in practical, physical reality – to in that make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly here as the physical – to realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not real.

How we are Enslaving Ourselves to the Past - Day 406

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anyone that in any way show any form of pattern which I perceive to be similar to the patterns and behaviors that I have linked and connected to the first foster-mother – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just automatically and instantaneously activate and go into a protection mechanism within the mind when encountering or facing a being that in some way show any form of pattern/behavior/mannerism which I perceive to be based on superiority, authority and/or dominance as that which are part of and activates the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind, and in this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as who I am, how I experience myself and how I decide to behave within a moment when perceiving another person to show a pattern of superiority/authority/dominance, where I automatically and instinctively go into a state of inferiority due to thinking and believing that I require to avoid and prevent any possibility of triggering an experience of ‘being challenged’ within the other person in the sense of the being interpreting it as though I am not obeying, conforming, submitting and subduing – as I think and believe that if I in any way trigger, activate or generate such interpretation/perception within the other then that would result in the other being feeling the need to take it to an extreme to state and show that I am not to think that I have the right to stand up for myself in the sense of indicating that I am self-confident, assertive or believe myself to be anything else than inadequate to the other being – and so within this not seeing or realizing how I am actually in fact self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority as I am the one living according to MY own self-created beliefs in the sense of how I have formed an idea in regards to how I think that others will react and experience themselves as that which gets triggered and activated through who I am within a moment – not seeing or realizing that I cannot in fact ever know how each and every individual will react to who or how I am, but that I am basing this idea and belief on memories and past events of how ONE single individual would react – and where I was the one that formed the link and connection between that one single individuals reaction and who I perceived myself to be and behave, wherein I see and realize that I interpreted it as though the only thing that would reduce and prevent the reactions within the being was if and when I took on an inferiority-character – and through all of this I see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to form and shape my life and who I am, and decide to be within specific situations/moments, according to that one experience that I had with one individual in relation to what I perceived to trigger and activate reactions within the person’s mind – where I am merely reacting to my own memories and assumptions instead of being here in every moment and so decide to simply be me, stand stable and observe every situation without veiling it with expectations, assumptions and anticipations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind in regards to who I believe that I have to be and become when seeing a pattern within another that in any way show and indicate dominance/authority/superiority – where I have just blindly, habitually and continuously accepted and allowed myself to follow and comply with the belief and idea of it being imperative and necessary that I change myself to protect myself – but within that not seeing and realizing that I am making assumptions in the sense of supposing that my life, my safety and I am at risk if I remain stable, assertive and confident, if I remain here, being me, while facing a person that I perceive to show and indicate superiority/authority/dominance, and within that not ever giving myself the opportunity to find out what would actually in real, practical, physical reality happen if I allowed myself to simply stand with the being, observing and assessing that which exists directly as the physical, where I direct myself to remain stable and face whatever may/might emerge – as I see and realize that the beliefs and ideas that I have formed are based on memories of past events and that I am thus making my assessment of how and who to be within a moment based on situations occurring in the past – which reveals to me that I cannot trust the beliefs, ideas and assessments that I make of how or who I require to be within a situation as my starting-point and outset is not based on or representing the here and now or who/how another being is – because instead I am merely reacting to points that I have taught myself to see as ‘alarming’ but am within that not at all seeing the real reality as I am instead getting caught up in and preoccupied with what I imagine to be here – and I see and realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not to be trusted or conformed to.

• When and as I am faced with or am encountering an individual that I perceive to, in any way, show a pattern that is based on superiority/authority/dominance and where I see that the ‘protection-mechanism’ that I have formed within the mind gets activated in the sense of seeing myself wanting and feeling the need to go into a pattern of subduing and suppressing myself to show that ‘I am not challenging you’ – I immediately stop and take a deep breath – where I commit myself to take self-responsibility through no more accepting and allowing myself to just blindly and instinctively go into a state of inferiority but instead break this habit through directing myself immediately within a moment where I see that I am faced with a being that I am reacting to/towards due to perceiving the being to show any form of pattern that in any way reminds me of a pattern within the foster-mother – to within such situation take my power back to me, where I take a stance within myself to not go into and not follow the belief of it being necessary for me to change myself as who I am to not risk my own safety – but instead I bring myself back to here, where I make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to within that take the decision to remain stable within myself through utilizing breath, where I ground myself, and within that focus on being me, on showing myself that I do have the capacity to direct myself and to decide for myself who I am going to be within any given moment – and therefor I commit myself take this responsibility, to live this responsibility for myself to make sure that I practically practice on standing stable within myself no matter external circumstances and other people – and so walk this until it is a constant, living principle of me, of who I am.

The Torment of Being Falsely Accused - Day 405

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally through going into fear, shame and self-blame when perceiving it as though I am getting accused of something by another and when interpreting it as though the person is disappointed or angry at me - no matter if I have actually done what I perceive myself to be accused of or not, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern activated by fear, in where I immediately react when I perceive another to accuse me of having done something which the other person do not agree with or approve of and in where I automatically and instantaneously go into the belief and idea that I have to protect and defend myself through ensuring that I prevent the other from creating a perpetuated definition and opinion of me that is based on negativity due to that which I am being accused of - wherein I think and believe that I require to explain myself in the best possible way so that I can remove the experience/reaction that came up within another and so replace it with an explanation that I think and believe can ‘repair’ and compensate for the initial reaction that got triggered within the person, as an explanation and thus experience that is based on a positive energy instead of negative – where I see and realize that I have created a pattern wherein I think and believe that I require to protect myself from negatively charged experiences within others due to believing that such experiences can result in my safety being threatened – as I have connected this point of ‘being accused of something’ to the consequences I would be faced with when this occurred while I lived with the first foster family – and so perpetuated the pattern of instantly going into fear when perceiving myself to get accused by another, not seeing and realizing how such pattern is really in fact not helping me within my current living and life – as I see and realize that when I am within a reaction of fear I cannot see real reality or what is practically here – and that I will react to every perceived similarity to the patterns that I saw within the foster mother as a consequence of the protection mechanism I have formed within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that such protection mechanism isn’t protecting me at all but is rather making it impossible for me to stand stable within myself and so see real reality in the sense of facing and practically walking through a situation of perceiving myself to be accused by another into a solution – which I see and realize is only possible when I take the decision to stop the fear, stop the reactions and stop the automatic pattern of attempting and trying to protect myself through inducing positive experiences through a satisfying explanation – and I realize that the solution within these situations would be to first of all making sure that I remove any and every form of internal reaction and so stand with myself in clarity and awareness where I furthermore move myself practically to investigate the situation, whether I am even being accused of something or not, and so communicate with another to find an actual, real solution that is best for both in the sense of clearing up possible misunderstandings/misinterpretations and self-honestly, and with taking self-responsibility, investigate that which I perceive myself to be accused of.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is actually in fact my own interpretation and perception of being accused – wherein I am essentially reacting to myself as a consequence of my self-created fear of what another may/might think of me due to what I believe myself to be accused of and so how the person will see me, think about me and feel about me in the continuation – and that through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such imaginary reality I am getting distracted from participating within that which are really in fact real, and thus preventing myself from finding and coming to a real solution since I am not even capable of seeing the problem as I am preoccupied within my imagination – which I realize isn’t a real representation of what is really in fact occurring – and so I see and realize that to be able to face and walk through a problem, conflict or misunderstanding I require to bring myself out of the mind-reality as imagination and back into real reality as that which exists directly as the physical.    

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I think, believe and perceive that I am being accused of something by another – through within that slow myself down through breathing and thus prevent myself from going into the automatic pattern of reaction – and so in this make sure that I have slowed myself down and grounded myself here, where I can look at things within awareness and clarity – where I commit myself to re-instruct myself and change the pattern of wanting to immediately explain myself and remove the negatively charged experience that I perceive within another, to instead look at a solution – where I make sure that I stand within me stable, that I do not accept and allow myself to participate within fear but instead place my attention within practical, physical reality through asking questions, through finding out if another person is even accusing me of something or if I merely interpreted it as though I was accused due to my own internal reactions and so reacting to my own mind – and so from there I make sure that I am really seeing reality in terms of first make sure that I am removing my own reactions so that I can participate in that which exists directly as the physical reality and where I direct myself to open the point up through communicating with the being that I perceive to accuse me, through simply asking questions and clearing up any misunderstandings – where I commit myself to ensure that I am self-honest within my approach from the perspective of making sure that my starting-point is not based on the attempt to please another or wanting to say something to remove any possible negatively charged reactions/experiences within the other but that my starting-point is instead based on finding a real solution through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty.

Surviving The Trauma Caused By an Adult's Abuse - Day 404

The constant fear of ‘getting caught’ by the first foster mother while doing something apparently wrong/bad. Getting caught in the sense of doing something that I believed could, in some way, trigger/activate/generate negatively charged experiences or reactions within the foster mother – walking on eggshells all the time, constantly afraid of her walking in on me when I was alone due to perceiving it as though everything I did could, and would, trigger reactions within her. Completely paranoid at all times due to seeing how she would think that I had, and accuse me of having done stuff which I hadn't even done. Accusing me of using her expensive shampoo, accusing me of throwing up, hiding food, not eating, stealing chocolate, accusing me of not doing as I was told etc.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of getting caught or having the foster mother walk in on me while I was alone due to thinking and believing that all I did and all I was, was ‘wrong’, bad, inadequate and anger-provocative – thinking and believing that no matter what I did or how I did it, I did it wrong and not good enough, and through/due to this consequentially forming an idea of it being just who I was as a person that was the problem since no matter how I changed my behavior and mannerism, I still got the same response from the foster mother, and within this not seeing and realizing that the fact that I did change and attempted to do my best to please her in every way possible, it still didn’t result in any changes within her or her experience and reactions towards me – and so I see and realize that it wasn’t even about me, it wasn’t about who I was as a person but that it rather had to do with her internal reality and that I would merely stand as and become a point that she could project her reactions onto and take it out on – and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in a way deliberately utilize her abuse to be able to feed and empower the already existing self-belief of myself as being worthless and useless – where I see and realize that I was still responsible for not ever accepting and allowing myself to start questioning and investigating whether another person’s reactions to and towards me really did represent the real me or the totality of who I was – but would instead invert the reactions and patterns that I saw in the foster mother through repetitively thinking that I was wrong, that who I was as a person was simply just a worthless piece of crap and so incredibly bad that no matter what I did, I would inevitably trigger and generate negative reactions of anger and disapproval within another – not seeing or realizing that no matter how I changed myself and no matter how I aligned myself with what I was told, I was still faced with the foster mother’s outbursts – and within this I do see, realize and understand that I wasn’t even the cause/source/origin of her internal reactions and experiences but that I never exposed that fact to myself, that I did not even give myself an opportunity to consider the fact that I wasn’t responsible for another person’s reaction because within me I had an already existing belief and idea of myself that was based on negativity, so the foster mother would essentially just confirm the beliefs that I already had lingering in the back of my head to me.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and empower the belief of myself as being worthless and useless due to not seeing and realizing that I was not the reason for the foster mother’s reactions and I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility within my current living and life but have instead accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously go back into the pattern of being ashamed of myself whenever I perceive another person to react in a similar way as the foster mother would when I did something apparently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I am always, with no exceptions, the one that takes the decision to go into such experiences and back-chats about myself – wherein I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to invert the reactions of another since I am within that embracing, empowering and feeding an already existing self-belief of myself through internally deciding to interpret and perceive another person’s reactions to be ‘my fault’ and a consequence of my worthlessness and uselessness and my apparent provocative nature – instead of, within such moments, deciding to direct myself, to change myself and to once and for all stop feeding such self-beliefs as I see and realize that it is not who I am, that it is just based on memories wherein I have taught myself to see myself in a specific way and that accepting and allowing myself to still give myself the right to access such definitions and beliefs even when realizing that it is not me, indicates deliberate self-sabotage wherein I realize that the only reason for why I would obey and comply with such bullshit coming up within the mind as a response to seeing another person reacting in a way that reminds me of the reactions within the foster-mother would be because I decide that I would like to feel like shit – and so therefor I see, realize and understand that I am fully responsible for how I decide to respond within my mind when I see a similarity to the patterns that I perceived within the foster-mother within another, and so I realize that I do have the tools of which to utilize within such moments to stop the alarm, to stop the protection-mechanism and so instead decide not to invert it, not to simulate an imaginary reality within the mind wherein I imagine that the words that I tell myself within the mind are the thoughts of the other person – because I see, realize and understand that the shit that comes up within my mind is my shit, it is not representing what another thinks of me and either way I still have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to not accept and allow such abuse within me, to not accept and allow myself, as the one that I am going to stand and live with for the rest of my life, to be a bully, to be someone that does not assist and support me – I mean, if anything I should be the one that, at all times, makes sure that I stand with me, that I stand by my side deciding to assist and support myself no matter the situation I am in and no matter the reactions I perceive to come up within another.

• I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the fear I have created to and towards reactions within others that I perceive to be similar to the foster mother’s reactions – through seeing and realizing that the reactions that emerges within me is a result of the protection-mechanism that I have formed, wherein I will essentially react to anyone, anything and everything that reminds me of or that I perceive to be similar to the behaviors/patterns within the foster mother – but that when such reaction emerge within me I still have the capacity and ability and the responsibility to stop, to take my power back to me and so decide to stand by my side – supporting me – and so therefor I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the mind and blame myself for a perception I have formed in regards to another person reacting due to who I am – but instead I take charge of who I am where I re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe myself out of any reaction that got activated within me and in this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through realizing that anything that comes up within my mind as a response to what I perceive to get activated as a reaction within another, is my responsibility – is my own self-sabotage, so if I feel like shit or allow myself to back-chat about how useless and worthless I am, then that is simply me, self-sabotaging – which I no more accept and allow myself to participate within or stand for – no, I do not accept and allow myself to stand for self-sabotage but instead I make sure that I slow myself down when seeing myself participating within self-beliefs and in that stop my participation, I breathe, and I direct myself to only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – where I focus on being here, within my physical body, within this physical existence and thus make sure that I change this pattern, that I let go of this pattern – so that I can give myself the opportunity to establish the principle of always standing by my side as a living decision of who I am in every moment of breath.