How To Stop Your Internal War - Day 379

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern in where I am making things harder and more difficult than what they actually are through self-sabotaging, in the sense of looking at my external reality and so my external participations/responsibilities and daily living and within me deciding to see it as hard and as difficult – where I am habitually generating and perpetuating an internal struggle and so experiences of stress and anxiety – where I have in a way become so used to experiencing everything as hard and as difficult that I am deliberately continuing to make things difficult for myself, where I in a way want to struggle/fight as an addiction to inherent patterns – and within this I see, realize and understand that I am actually making most things within my life so much harder and much more difficult than what they have to be – where I continually ensure a life of struggle through holding on to a belief in relation to how I think that my life will turn out, a belief in relation to how I think that my life has to be – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one that is responsible for the struggle I am currently experiencing, that just because my life has been a struggle in the past does not mean that I have to persevere in such direction – that I now actually do have the ability to take power over my own life and living and in that decide what type of starting-point and approach I want to have towards my participation – where I now see, realize and understand that the current approach I have towards every aspect of my life are permeated with an internal experience of struggle – where I actually have allowed myself to become addicted to struggling, to making things hard, to self-sabotaging through constantly anticipate failure, misery and difficulties.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept my life to be hard and difficult – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly expect, assume and anticipate that I will always be faced with difficulties, that that is just how my life is and has always been – where things that can ‘go wrong’ will go wrong – not seeing or realizing how I am within this self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to constantly assume that anything bad that can happen, will happen to me – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I assume that things will be difficult and hard, I am consequentially creating such a life for myself – and within this I see, realize and understand that it is time for me to take my life in my own hands and in that re-instruct, re-create and re-establish my approach towards my external participation – and so I commit myself to further investigate this point, as the addiction to inherent patterns, and within that stop the pattern of deliberately creating struggles within my life – but to instead see what I can do, who I can be and how I can experience myself within my life and living if I stop the tendency of self-sabotaging through making everything so difficult.

How to Unleash Your Inner Genius - Day 378

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, trust, give value to and stay within a thought of ‘I don’t get it’ when and as I am studying and perceive myself to be unable to fully grasp the material that I am walking through or when I do not immediately understand how to tackle an equation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of anxiety, fear and frustration to the thought ‘I don’t get it’ – where I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I stay in that ‘I don’t get it’, then I won’t actually get it because I am within that accepting and allowing a thought and reaction to blind me from seeing that it’s all here – that I’ve got it and that it is here in me and as me – that the only thing that is preventing me from accessing the information is just a thought and reaction – where I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself through trusting a thought and through reacting to that thought, instead of within such moments trust myself, slow myself down and breathe where I simply just take in the information.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thought ‘I don’t get it’ cannot help me in any way but will rather just limit me from really seeing what is here and realizing that I do get it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that thought to get in the way, in the sense of accepting and allowing myself to place my trust within and believe a thought to tell me who I am and what I am capable of – instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a thought and reaction – which means that it is when I accept and allow myself to stay in that thought and trust that thought to tell me who I am that I won’t get it – because through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such thought and so the reaction, I give my consent to the mind to tell me who I am within a moment – instead of, within such situations, re-instruct myself and get that thought out of the way so that I can see that I do actually get it, I just have to slow myself down and so allow myself to take in the information.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to get the thought of ‘I don’t get it’ our of the way through no more accepting and allowing myself to trust that thought and stay within that thought – but to instead, when the anxiety/fear/frustration comes up, tell myself ‘Malin, you’ve got it – read slowly, breathe, take in the information, it’s here in me and as me’ – and so realize that I DO have it, it’s just a thought and reaction that is blinding me from seeing that it’s all here.

What Will You Do When Another Gives Up On You?-Day 377

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist asking teachers for help/assistance/support when I am having trouble comprehending something – due to fearing that I will still not understand even if they try to explain something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel stupid if I ask for assistance but will still not comprehend – where I have accepted and allowed myself to, within such situations where I see that I still won’t understand even if another attempts to explain, formed a pattern of automatically going into the experience and belief of myself as being stupid and slow for not immediately understanding – where I consequentially have formed a resistance to and towards asking for help due to the underlying belief of ‘I won’t understand anyway’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is no use in asking teachers for assistance and support when I find myself unable to understand something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that other’s will not be able to explain in a way that makes me comprehend due to how this typically happens when I ask for assistance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is just something wrong with me, that it is my fault that I normally won’t understand when others tries to explain something – and so within this have simply just accepted that point of ‘I won’t understand’ as a part of me – not seeing or realizing how accepting and allowing this definition to exist and constantly reverberate within the back of my head, actually limits and prevents me from fully being here when another person attempts to explain something, because within that there is this one aspect of me that has already beforehand decided that ‘I won’t get it anyway’ – which is a belief that is based on the past, where I am just constantly accessing all the times where I did not understand and in where I am holding on to those instances instead of giving myself a new opportunity in every moment. I mean, I cannot know whether I will comprehend something or not through just accessing the past and trusting that ‘that’s just how it normally is’ – because within that I won’t even give myself a clean slate or a fair shot.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself as stupid and slow when and as I ask another for assistance/support and when I do not manage to comprehend/understand even if another person attempts to explain – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself due to seeing how others/teachers tends to ‘give up on me’ in the sense of just explaining once and then, if and when I still don’t ‘get it’, just walking away – which I have allowed myself to interpret as them, giving up on me and seeing it as an impossible task to ‘make me understand’ – not seeing or realizing that just because someone ‘gives up and walks away’ does not automatically mean that I am too stupid or that I am to blame – so, I see, realize and understand that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide in such moments who I am going to be in relation to someone walking away, that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide how I am going to react – and so I realize that I can, within such situations decide, who I am going to be, how I am going to experience myself and what I will accept and allow and what not – where I realize that another person’s behavior is their behavior, it is not something I must take responsibility for – however, what I do have to take responsibility for is who I am in relation to and as a response to other people’s behaviors.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will give up on me in the sense of attempting to explain something and in where I still won’t understand – and in where this eventually leads another person to just ‘walk away’ – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately, automatically and instantaneously give up on myself and see myself as a failure due to perceiving and interpreting it as though another person gives up on me and so within that just accept the fact that ‘I don’t understand this’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I could actually instead go ‘ok, so that would not help me understand/comprehend – so, let’s find a solution, let’s look at what I do require to understand’ – and so re-instruct myself within such moment to instead of just going ‘I don’t get it, I am stupid’ go ‘ok, let’s look for a solution’ – I mean, why would I want to just give up and feel like shit about myself when I can instead assist and support myself to see it as challenge, as an opportunity to learn, expand and grow? And so within that instead decide to walk the path that I can actually enjoy for myself – I mean it is so simple in the sense of looking at it as just one simple decision that I have to make, to in that just take the decision to see it as ‘ok, don’t understand, cannot compute – let’s take this on, let’s find a solution and let’s walk it!’

To be continued.. 

Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to decide who I am, how I am going to experience myself and so decide my self-worth, but have instead accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am and my self-worth can only be assessed and determined by other people – not seeing or realizing that I can always decide for myself how I am going to see myself – and so, no matter if I perceive it as though another person sees me as totally and completely worthless, I still have the responsibility to decide whether that is something I want to define myself according to or not – and therefor I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, just accepted whatever perception I form in relation to what other people seem to think of me – in where I never within that saw or realized that I was actually responsible for feeling like shit – that I am the only one responsible for how I react to and towards others opinions/my interpretation and perception of other people’s opinions – and so within this I see, realize and understand that I can, in every moment, decide who I am going to be in relation to and as a response towards the opinions I perceive others to form of me – so, why not give myself the opportunity to stand as that awareness in every moment, where I take a stance to stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing every interpretation I form in relation to what others thinks of me and within that instead decide to slow myself down in the sense of actually assessing other people’s opinions in where I within that decide whether that opinion is something I want to accept or not – and so make an actual decision where I see and realize that I can in fact let the opinion bounce back in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to just automatically and instantaneously absorb it but to instead slow myself down and within me assess whether the opinion really in fact is who I am – or if I am instead going to decide, for myself, who I am, how I am going to experience myself and what my self-worth is. I mean, why would I want to make myself feel like crap when I can decide not to?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as I did in the past in relation to my school-situation and in relation to the response I received of not doing good enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of experiencing it as though others sees me as a failure, as not good enough, to be and become what moves and motivates me within my current participation within school and studying. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am currently attempting and trying to compensate for the failure I perceived myself to be – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to prove myself good enough and make up for all the apparent failures I committed in the past – not seeing or realizing that through accepting and allowing myself to exist within this construct of ‘attempting to make up for my past’ I am in fact merely feeding a polarity-construct, where I am perpetuating the fear of failure through accepting and allowing that fear to be what guides, moves and directs me to work hard, where I am essentially generating fear as an attempt to obtain the positive side of the polarity of feeling good enough and worthy – not seeing or realizing that this has in fact lead me nowhere, because I see how the experience and belief of myself as being worthless, a failure and not good enough persists – so, the fact that I now have, for years, been an ‘A-student’ does obviously not change anything in relation to how I internally experience and see myself, so – I see, realize and understand that the grades I obtain now cannot make up for the past, it cannot make up for how I internally see and experience myself – and so the only thing that can actually make up for my past and thus release me from the self-beliefs I have created is me, that I can only develop persistent self-acceptance through re-instructing and re-creating myself from the within to the without.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to step beyond the fear of the experience of not being good enough/failing – and within this see, realize and understand that I now have the tools with which to stabilize myself and so therefor I see and realize that I do not require to fear an experience – because I do have me, my breathing and the tools that I require to be able to direct myself out of an experience. Within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations in where I see that I am within the mind speculating about other people’s possible opinions of me – to within such moments no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within the mind – but to instead immediately stop, where I within this commit myself to take self-responsibility through deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself – and so I take the decision to stop making myself feel like crap but to instead support myself within my self-relationship through seeing and realizing that I actually do have the ability and the responsibility to decide how I am going to experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others thinks of me.

How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375

When looking back at my experience within school I can see that it was as though it did not matter how hard I tried, it did not matter how much time I spent studying – I still just couldn’t make it, it wouldn’t ‘pay off’. After a while I started to see it as useless, I mean – why should I even try when it does not pay off. I realized that whether I would study really, really hard or wouldn’t study at all – I still got the same results. I was ashamed and disappointed at myself, because I worked so hard and put so much effort into studying but I was not good enough anyway. I drew the conclusion that if I wouldn’t study at all, if I just gave up and pretended as though I didn’t give a fuck – then at least it would be ‘my decision’ to get bad results, then it wouldn’t be an outflow of my inadequacies but rather just a conscious decision to not care.

And so now I see that this was what I actually decided to do. I had for many, many years worked so hard, pushed myself so extensively and I still got the same feedback; it’s not enough. I could not do more than what I did, I just couldn’t seem to mold myself, adjust myself and align myself with what was referred to as ‘a good student’. In the end it is not your effort, how much time you dedicate, or how hard you try that gets graded – but rather the scores you get on the exams.

We had these evaluations where you sat down with your parents and the teacher and got feedback on how you were doing. It always felt like an execution. Every semester I studied as much as one could possibly do but I still got negative feedback, it was still not enough – what was I supposed to do? I see how I would immediately and unquestionably just accept what the teachers said and in that trusted their evaluation to be what determined my self-worth. I never even considered looking inside of myself and question what others said about me, or realizing that it was not even about ME per se, I mean it was not my self-worth that was being evaluated – instead I would just absorb it and define myself accordingly, where I would form the belief that I am a failure no matter how hard I try. And so after a while I decided to become what I perceived others to think of me – where I deliberately stopped trying and pretended as though I did not care anymore. I mean, it just seemed easier to take the negative feedback if I had made a deliberate decision to not work hard.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback I got from the teachers as a child – where I immediately, instantaneously and unquestionably just accepted and absorbed the teachers opinions of me and my ‘performance’ – not seeing or realizing that they were merely just commenting on and pointing out how I did externally in relation to my ‘performance’ and in that assessing whether the knowledge I possessed were aligned with the instructions that they had in relation to what a student of my age should be able to pull off, that it was not an evaluation of who I was or my self-worth – and so I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume and take for granted that the opinions other people have of my external performances defines who I am, and so thinking and believing that I am not good enough as who I am if other people form negative opinions of my external performances – not seeing or realizing that opinions does not determine or define who I am – therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to my perception of others opinions of my external performances – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that after all I am the one that ultimately determines who I am, how I experience myself and who I am going to be in relation/as a response to others opinions – and so I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to accept and allow myself to define myself by and according to – and I am therefor responsible for who I am in relation to other people’s feedback, where I see and realize that when another person makes an assessment of my performance, it is not in any way an assessment of my self-worth or self-value.

• In this I commit myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what opinion I perceive another person to form of me – I am still capable of deciding who I am going to be in relation to that, where I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide whether I am going to absorb or question – whether I am going to let perceptions I form in regards to what another person thinks of me/my performance to decide how I am going to experience myself or not. And so therefor I commit myself to, when and as I see or perceive it as though another person forms an opinion of who I am or my external performances, start question what comes up within the mind as a response to my external situation – and within that stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing and just taking it – to instead within me say ‘wait a minute, is this really something that I would want to experience myself as?’ – and so within that I direct and decide for myself who I am – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically ‘take it’ – but to instead question it and realize that I am ultimately the one that decides how I am going to experience myself – so why would I want to make myself feel like shit through taking other people’s opinions personally, when I could instead actually decide to stop, to not accept or allow myself to go there in the sense of taking it personally but to instead decide, in that moment that no, I don’t want to make myself feel like shit anymore – from now on I decide.

To be continued..

When People Give Up On You - Day 374

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me within what I am doing.

How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.

Self-Inflicted Stress And Self-Anger - Day 372

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something – and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.

 

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an internal fight. 

The Difference Between Caring and Fearing - Day 371

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an experience first. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done – where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important – where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my life.

 

• And so within this I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ – to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear, but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.

Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

This post is a continuation from:

• When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367 
• Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' - Day 368 
• The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

So, these last two days I’ve got the chance to test my application in regards to stopping the fear that emerges within me when I feel as though I am/my capacity are about to be tested. I’ve had two exams these last two days and yesterday I decided not to go into that fear, nervousness, anxiety and stress that normally just comes up within me.

Before an exam I usually go through the material one-two hours before the exam just to give myself one last brief overview. While doing that I see myself having a tendency of getting stuck – where I find myself having forgotten some of the stuff, or usually it is like one word or one letter within one word that I have mixed up or are not completely sure about, and in that the panic/fear/stress-experiences gets triggered – where I see myself taking it to an extreme and have all of a sudden within the mind decide that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHINNNNNNNG, IIIIII’M SCREEEEEEEWED!!!!!!!!!. . .

Before Thursday’s exam I sat down and walked through some of the material. Before sitting down I had already taken the decision for myself to not go into the fear, but rather just give myself an opportunity to repeat some of the ‘easier material’ instead of immediately taking on the most complicated and intricate parts. This was to give myself a chance to awaken my brain, lol. As I see that I sometimes require like a moment ‘warm up’ and that when I immediately take on the intricate stuff I am putting myself in a position where I kind of like ‘leave an open window’ for the mind. So, to prevent the stress and panic to overwhelm and take over I started with going through some things that I am confident within. I immediately saw a major difference within me – I was just calm and confident where I normally would experience the exact opposite. Though I still saw some fear and stress humming in the background but it wasn’t even close to what I normally go through before an exam with being all jittery and with my heart beating like a jungle drum and being all freaked out.

Before yesterday’s exam I re-instructed myself while going through the overview in where I directed myself to be here within awareness and in that made sure that I did not allow any form of fear. What was interesting was that I saw a slight concern, where I felt as though something was almost ‘wrong’ due to how calm I was. Like, I have for such an extended period of time existed within and allowed this intense fear to exist within me and take over before a big exam that when I wouldn’t go into it I felt as though something ‘was missing’ in a way. And I saw that the concern stemmed from the belief I have created in regards to thinking that I need to be stressed and anxious to ‘care’ and to be able to push myself, as though I require the fear to activate me.

Without the fear the exam didn’t feel so big and important anymore – and if I do not see the exam as a matter of life or death then I won’t actually study as intensely. And in this I realize that I have actually deliberately created this program of attaching fear to exams as an attempt to force myself into seeing it as incredibly important and from there force myself into studying as though the exams actually are a matter of life or death. In that also convincing myself within the mind that I don’t know anything, that I will fail etc. which I also see is something that makes me push myself even harder before an exam, where I study everyday as though I don’t know anything and as though it is the first time I go through the material, even though I, within me, see and realize that I have the knowledge that are required, but I deliberately manipulate myself into believing that I don’t know anything at all – that I have to re-learn everything, that I have forgotten everything.

And in that I realize that I fear giving up the fear, as I realize that if I do not manipulate myself into seeing exams as utterly important but instead see it for what it is, well, then I will see it for what it is. It’s just an exam. My self-worth is not at stake here. So, I realize that I require looking into and investigating this point of thinking and believing that if I do not continue seeing it as though my life and self-worth are at stake or determined by the results I get on exams then maybe I’ll become lazy or unmotivated or undisciplined and maybe I won’t get the highest grades – and oh my, who am I then?

To be continued.. 

The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within the fear of not achieving perfect results within my external reality and the fear of what others may/might think of me if I all of a sudden would not fall into the category of ‘being a high achiever’ anymore – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require the fear, the stress and the anxiety for me to be able to move and motivate me into working as hard as I am able to and perceive that I have to, to be able to achieve good results – not seeing or realizing how extensively I am compromising my life, my relationship to myself, to my physical and so to my world and reality just because of this one single point in relation to my continuous participation within fear of not being and achieving ‘perfection’ externally. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the fear of not managing to achieve perfect results that I am existing within are just an indication of me, ‘caring’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to mistakenly and manipulatively created and manifested a belief and idea in relation to the fear of not reaching external perfection – where I am seeing it as something that indicates that I actually care, that it somehow indicates that I have integrity – but, in this I now see, realize and understand that it is rather the opposite – because this is not caring or integrity, I do not care about life at all – but instead I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and give value to internal fears and self-beliefs – where I have consequentially neglected and disregarded my self-support, which I realize would be an immediate indication of lack of care and integrity – because I am accepting and allowing fear of not being and becoming someone that is perceived as ‘perfect’ – but this ‘perfect’ is actually something that is based on external knowledge and information in relation to what I have been taught to define as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and ‘valuable’ and ‘inadequate’ etc. – not seeing or realizing that these definitions are not in any way based on what actually supports life and living, but merely based on external programming in relation to how this whole world-system functions and works, where I have allowed myself to give more value to being perceived as ‘good’ than what I value actual, real, life. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only one that is keeping me from changing into becoming someone I would actually, really be able to stand as and live with for eternity is me – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this responsibility onto others through allowing myself to utilize the thought ‘what would others think of me if I changed’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue existing as is within my relationship to what I practically do in my external reality in where I have allowed myself to think and believe that others expect me to be a high achiever, and that if I start valuing self-care and self-support more than what I value ‘being seen as and being aligned with the definition of being a high achiever’ then I will change in a way which will make others ‘think less of me’ in the sense of others seeing me as someone who doesn’t live up to my potential and capacity. And so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will think less of myself if I would not be able to see myself as a ‘high achiever’ anymore, based on what I do and do not perform in my external reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this fear onto others – not seeing or realizing that I do not actually fear that others will see me as someone who does not live up to her own potential/capacity but that I fear how I would experience myself if I would not be able to define myself as a high achiever anymore, and thus how I would experience myself if I would perceive that others stops defining me as a high achiever – and so I see, realize and understand that whether others sees me as a high achiever or not can only influence my experience of myself as long as I accept and allow myself to define and link my self-worth to what I perceive myself to achieve externally. 

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my practical reality in situations where I see that fear, stress and anxiety emerges within me due to perceiving that I, and my capacity, are about to be ‘tested’ or measured through, within that moment of seeing the fear coming up within me, immediately stop and breathe – where I do not accept and allow myself to go into that fear but instead I slow myself down within that moment, where I give myself a moment to just breathe and ground myself here – in where I realize that fear, stress and anxiety will not and cannot help me – and so I no more accept and allow myself to cause strain on my physical and on my self-relationship through just automatically going into the fear but instead I take a stance within me to no more accept and allow myself to follow the automatic program – but instead I commit myself to in such moments really give myself the opportunity to slow myself down and bring myself back to here – to my physical, where I both internally and practically slow myself down through moving myself and my awareness back to here, to every movement and every breath.

 
 

Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' -Day 368

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will expect me to always achieve perfect results within what I externally participate within due to thinking and believing that if others expect something specific of me, then I have to live up to that – not seeing or realizing how I have just automatically given value to and taken for granted that others expectations are something I must live up to, unquestionably – without seeing and realizing that just because I perceive it as though others  have expectations in relation to what I manage to do and what not, does not automatically mean that I have to ‘satisfy’ their belief and align myself and my living according to their expectations – that I can and have the responsibility to actually decide over my own life and living – where I must be the one that decides what I will prioritize in my life and what not. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear deciding over my own life in relation to actually taking self-responsibility through directing and deciding what I will prioritize – due to thinking and believing that ‘people will think less of me’ if I do not live up to the definition of being a ‘high achiever’ and ‘someone who works really hard and am self-disciplined’.

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have not ever, within or throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to ask myself; what do I want to do, what do I need – and what is most important for me? – but have instead always accepted and allowed myself to push myself to attempt and try to align who I am with what I perceive others to expect of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely forget about me, about who I want to be in my relationship with myself – and have instead just blindly accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and fear others expectations and definitions of me – as though others expectations/my perception of others expectations should be my map, my guide in relation to what I do and do not do.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within a life which is constituted and shaped according to my perception of others expectations due to thinking and believing that if I do not continue pushing myself to live up to others possible expectations then I will disappoint others and be seen as someone who does not ‘live up to my own capacity’ – not seeing or realizing that; yes, sure – everyone could actually achieve perfect external results, but this is about what one decides to prioritize, and I see that I am compromising my self-support and my relationship with myself due to letting my priority, my driving-force and starting-point within life be the perception I have of what others ‘expect of me’ – where I am within this not taking self-responsibility through looking at 1.What do I require/need to be stable 2.Who do I want to be and how do I want to experience myself within my relationship with me? 3.What is needed/what do I actually require to do to for me to survive within this system? – Because within this I see, realize and understand that the strain I have manifested and placed on myself are not based on practical consideration in relation to seeing that it is needed for me to assure my survival within this world-system of money, but rather based on my fear of what others may/might think of me – where I am merely utilizing this point of ‘I have to push myself to make sure that I am stable within this system’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue my existence within this program that I have set up for myself – where I see and realize that the program I have manifested is based on fear of not living up to others expectations/fear of not being seen as ‘good enough’ and thus the desire to be seen as perfect, as successful, as hard-working etc. – and that these two polarities of positivity and negativity, of desire and fear, are what moves and directs me – where I realize that I am holding on to and perpetuating the fear of what others may/might think of me if I do not live up to the definitions and expectations I perceive others to have of me through allowing myself to exist within desire to and towards external validation and confirmation in regards to myself as being ‘good enough’, hard-working and a 'high-achiever'.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through investigating this point in relation to how I have constituted and founded my life and my relationship to what I externally participate within – where I commit myself to, through my writings, self-forgiveness and commitment-statements, open up and investigate what it is that moves, directs and motivates me in relation to what I externally do, why I do it and what I would actually require to support myself within my life, my living, my relationship with me and so my survival within this system – where I commit myself to realign and reinstruct myself to stop accepting and allowing fear and desire to be what moves me within what I participate within and instead take my life in my own hands where I live self-responsibility through actually being the one who decides what is important and what is not important when considering my self-support, my relationship with me and my stability within the system - because within this I see, realize and understand that how I am currently living is not cool, is not supportive and is not something I would want to look back at later and realize that I actually could have lived in another way - but did not. Therefor I commit myself to walk through this construct and really in that give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself that I would really want, a life that I can look back at without regretting and asking myself; why didn't I live?

 

When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367

I got a result back on a school-assignment and the feedback from the teacher went as following; “An A, of course”. These two last words, “of course”, made me realize how this is actually something I have created and linked a fear to and towards, because I see how this is triggering the program that I have created and manifested within me in relation to letting my starting-point behind why I work so extensively hard be based on fear of others disappointment - where I fear that I will not live up to the definition that I perceive others to have of me, especially in regards to teachers. In this I clearly see that teachers sees me as someone who will, “obviously”, always do what needs to be done to get an A. I mean, the last time that I did not receive an A, but instead a B on an exam, I almost started crying. Lol. It’s easy to laugh at it now, as I see how silly it is, but when I got the result back, saying “B, Well done!”, I felt as though my whole world was falling apart. That experience, and the fear thereof, is something that is currently directing me within my everyday participation – where I am constantly and continuously straining myself and pushing myself so hard as an attempt to avoid that experience that emerges within me whenever I perceive that I am not ‘the best’ or ‘achieving the best results as one possibly can’. When I get an A on the other hand, it’s like ‘nothing’ emerges within me, because it just fits my self-definition, it will not trigger anything as it is aligned with ‘my demands’ – so, I see how I am within this constantly pushing myself because of fear of having to face the experience that emerges within me when I am faced with a result that does not fit my self-definition, that is not aligned with what I believe others to expect of me.

So, what I see here is that I have formed a self-definition that is based on the belief and idea I have about what others expect of me in relation to my achievements in school and similar external participations in where one can either attain ‘good’ or ‘bad’ results. And I realize that I fear that other people will feel the same about me as I do when not achieving the best possible result – because I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that; blame, judge, upbraid and criticize myself so extensively and in where I consequentially take for granted and assume that other people, who expect me to achieve ‘the best possible result’, will think and feel the same way about me. I mean, even if I get an A on an exam but have one incorrect answer I will give myself permission to judge myself. Where I only see my ‘mistakes’ and apparent imperfections – and am thus never, ever seeing what I actually do manage to do, because what I manage to do is just like, not important, I will not register it. I mean, I see how I can never within this live self-acceptance or self-trust as I within this instead have decided to overlook and disregard my own capacity and in where I instead only see the small details that I perceive to be ‘imperfect’ and insufficient. In this I see that this is a contributing factor to the reverberating negativity that I incessantly exist within and as, as the current state of my beingness – where I will demand absolute perfection but expect that I will always fail. Realistically looking I see that it is not always possible to attain absolute perfect results; sometimes I might even misspell a word. Lol.

I realize that it is important for me, within my relationship with myself, to really release and free myself from this construct and program. Especially since I will start studying even more subjects in the near future – where I will have even less time, and thus I realize that this means that I must look at my situation rationally, seeing that it is unacceptable for me to continue compromising my self-support as a consequence and outflow of the construct I have manifested in where I constantly prioritize perfecting my external participation/achievements and within that neglect, disregard and put myself second.

I will walk this through with self-forgiveness in blogs to follow.