The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from.”

“So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.” -Bernard Poolman  - Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live within and according to a fear of triggering or activating negatively charged internal conversations, opinions, experiences or reactions within other beings through my behavior or words due to having associated and connected such occurrences to my past living conditions, where I see and realize that I developed and manifested an intense fear of activating or triggering anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment within others due to the consequences I would be faced with when perceiving myself to having triggered such reactions within the first foster mother I had – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and continue living with this protection-mechanism that I would create in the past as an attempt to protect myself from trauma through suppressing, hiding and aligning myself with that which I saw wouldn’t trigger negatively charged reactions/experiences/thoughts within the foster mother – not seeing or realizing that this pattern and mechanism is not assisting or supporting me in any way what so ever in my current living since I am fully capable of protecting/defending myself and standing up for myself through simply utilizing common sense and practical consideration in terms of assessing the situations I am in and through that make sure that I take self-responsibility for my words and behavior, and to also realize that, yes, there is always a possibility of other people reacting in anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment, no matter who or how I am really, because I can in no way know how other people’s entire mind is set up and what may/might trigger reactions within others – so all I can do is to be me, to make sure that I treat others as I would like to be treated without suppressing/hiding myself or going in with the starting-point of constantly assessing and attempting to decode what/who/how another person would prefer me to be where I am trying to trigger or generate positive experiences but to rather focus on being me, and if or when I see another reacting I realize that it is not actually something personal but that it is due to how that specific individual have created and constructed their mind – and that if a situation would emerge wherein I see that my safety is at risk I do have the capacity to remove myself from the situation – and so within this I see, realize and understand that fearing other’s possible reactions are actually completely unnecessary as I do have the tools, the understanding and the capacity to assess a situation/moment with common sense and thus decide in every moment what is best for all – but that accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear and worry about triggering/generating/activating negatively charged reactions within another is really not assisting or supporting me and does not help me in any kind of way – that it is in fact just preventing me from trusting myself and from standing stable within myself and focusing on being me.

• When and as I see that I am going into the mechanism of trying to protect myself from the possibility of having to face the consequences that I perceive is going to happen if I in some way activate/trigger/generate negatively charged reactions within another person, and in where I see myself going into fear due to perceiving a pattern/behavior/words/tonality/’sign’ within another, that I have connected and linked to the foster mothers patterns/behaviors/words/tonality and where I thus see myself activating this mechanism through fear – I immediately stop and breathe – where I see, realize and understand that the reaction of fear got triggered because someone in some way represented/showed a pattern which I have linked to the foster mother and which thus activates the protection mechanism within the mind, but that it is not necessary for me to react in fear, hide or suppress myself – and so therefor I commit myself to in the continuation be aware of this tendency and through that immediately stop and breathe when I see myself activating this defense and protection mechanism, where I re-instruct myself to instead participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to assess the physical situation that I am in with common sense and practical consideration to within that stand as the directive principle of me, where I see and realize that it is only when I am here, participating in what is actually practically and physically occurring that I can assess the situation and decide what is best within the moment – and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the pattern of fear whenever I see a dimension/aspect within another that reminds me of the foster mother – but to within such moments instead take a breath, slow myself down and look at the situation practically – where I bring my power back to me, where I stand up for myself and so trust myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that within these situations I am essentially becoming the scared child that I once was, and that hiding and suppressing myself is of no need, that I am fully capable of standing with myself, standing up for myself and practically assess what is best in any given moment.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser - Day 402

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping the pattern of attempting and trying to decode other people’s personal preferences in regards to who I perceive that I have to be or what sides/aspects of me that I have to enhance and present of myself to be able to trigger, activate and generate positive experiences, opinions and internal thoughts/back-chats within the people/person that I am encountering – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot just simply let myself be me and express myself as who I am – but that I rather have to decode and assess what other people will react and respond to within and with a positive experience and thus align and mold myself accordingly – because being me is apparently not enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, want and need to attain the experiences of fitting in and being approved of and accepted by others, wherein I have allowed who I am when interacting with others to be and become influenced and conditioned by this desire to be able to confirm that others approve of me as the ‘who I am’ – instead of seeing and realizing that letting such desire, want and need to guide and move me has really in fact lead me nowhere – in the sense of looking at my underlying starting-point which is to get approved of, accepted and feel as though I am ‘a good person’, someone that is appreciated, respected and loved – and in that I realize that I am denying myself acceptance, self-approval, self-respect and self-appreciation - that I am, through looking for such aspects/points externally, stating that I refuse to give these points to myself, to live these points for myself as parts and points of me – and so I see and realize that for as long as I accept and allow myself to deny myself that which I see myself require within my relationship to me through searching for it outside of myself, I am at the same time making my relationship to me, to who I am and to how I see myself dependent on external factors which I really in fact CANNOT CONTROL – since I see and realize that how others may/might react and respond to who I am does not, and cannot, define, portray or depict who I really am – since what others think and feel about me would rather represent who they are in relation to looking at their life-experiences and memories – where I realize that who I am in other people’s minds will get filtered through layers of memories, past events, inherited opinions, beliefs and so on – since I see and realize that these are aspects, points and layers that I see through as well, where I realize that when I react towards something within positivity or negativity, then that is a result and outcome of how I have created my mind through memories and past events – as such I realize that when and how I internally react towards external circumstances and other people, is a result of my own acceptances and allowances and that I am thus responsible – and through that I also realize that how another reacts and responds to me, and how others perceives/sees me, is not something I can control – as I have no idea how others entire mind works – and within this I furthermore see and realize that it is mind-reactions, not even the real person – so there is really no reason for me to take it personally, fear certain reactions and desire others – that the real solution here would rather be to investigate and look at the aspect and points that I am searching for externally and so focus on how I can incorporate and give myself such points – so that I within this can stop letting my relationship with me be dependent and conditioned by external points which I cannot control.

• When and as I see that I am attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be and present myself as to be able to activate, trigger and generate positive experiences/opinions/perceptions/ideas within the people/person that I am interacting with – I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to be aware of who I am when being/interacting with others and thus aware of the tendency of attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be to be able to confirm and experience it as though others approve of, accept and validate who I am – wherein I stop myself when I see myself activating this program through the fear of ‘what others may think’ – and so re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe, and instead place my focus on being me – and in that I furthermore commit myself to work on my relationship with me from the perspective of stopping my participation within the search for external confirmation and validation and instead investigate and explore how I can give myself that which I see myself looking for externally, how and what I require to be able to really accept myself – to in that make sure that I take responsibility for standing stable within myself, accepting me, no matter how I perceive others to respond/react to me – to in that break the dependency and enslavement that I have formed towards external circumstances and instead focus on that which I actually can control, that which I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to change – as the relationship I have with myself from the perspective of what and why I deny myself that which I see myself require to be able to stop the endless external search and dependency – because within this I see and realize that being me, and actually accepting myself, is really something that I would want within my life and within my relationship to me – so, therefor I commit myself to, within this life, within my life, really embrace the opportunity to live within equality and oneness with myself through giving myself self-acceptance and self-respect – because where the pattern of searching for such aspects outside of me has lead me is really just nowhere, and will thus not lead to anything else in the future either – so therefor I commit myself to explore and investigate where I can lead myself with taking my life in my own hands and so decide to live self-acceptance for myself, to live self-respect for myself, to stand with myself instead of against myself.

Can You Control What Others Will Think of You? - Day 401

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome and possible consequences of people not forming a positive opinion, perception and idea of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my safety, my life and I would be in danger and threatened if and when another person/people would form opinions, ideas or perceptions of me that are based on negativity and disapproval and that I thus have to protect myself, my life and my own safety through making sure that who I am when being with or around others/another is aligned with what that specific person/people prefer and approves of and so aligned with what will activate and generate positive reactions and responses within the beings/being that I am encountering – not seeing or realizing that I can in no way control other people’s reactions or responses – because I see and realize that people will react differently to different types of behaviors within people – which then shows me that how a person reacts or respond to a certain behavior or another being is merely a result of how that person has created their mind, where the opinions and possible experiences are merely products of memories – which I see within myself and so realize within myself, that what I react to and how I react, what activates, triggers and generates experiences and reactions and responses within me through external circumstances and other people, are merely products and results of my past, my memories in regards to what I have connected to certain conditions, behaviors, words, pictures etc. wherein the things I’ll see and hear through others, through their words and behaviors, are something that I have, within the mind, formed and linked specific experiences, perceptions, ideas and opinions to and towards – but it has nothing to do with the person/people I meet here and now, since the opinions and experiences already exists within me – and they merely get triggered and activated by certain conditions and situations as a result of the memories that I have formed and linked to certain behaviors, words etc. – and so, I see realize and understand that fearing other people’s minds, that fearing the possibility of standing as a point or dimension that will trigger, activate and generate negatively charged opinions, experiences and perceptions within another/other people is really conditioning and compromising and limiting my life and my relationship to me – where I see and realize that what I want for myself within my life and within my relationship to me and my relationship with others is for me to focus on BEING ME, on living the courage to stand for, stand by and stand WITH who I am in the sense of assisting and supporting myself to be stable within myself, and so trust myself within who I AM in every moment – that living my life in fear of how others entire mind works is very, very silly, as I see and realize that I cannot control others reactions since reactions and opinions and responses are merely outflows and outcomes of the person’s past and memories and their history, childhood and so what they have been presented with within their lives – and I realize that who I am will be seen through a veil and layer that are based on the beings past as their inhabited preferences and the specific connections they have formed and linked between behaviors/words and internal responses/experiences.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in practical reality when I am encountering or participating with other beings through being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear of not pleasing and getting approval from others due to the belief and idea that my safety, my life and I am at risk if the self-image that I present in some way activates, triggers or generates negatively charged opinions, perceptions and experiences within another or other people – and so within that I commit myself to practically support myself when and as I see myself going into fear of other people’s possible reactions/experiences/opinions and so the urge to mold, adjust and change myself to protect myself and ensure that I do not contribute to activating negatively charged experiences within another – where I within this stop and breathe, where I see and realize that I cannot control other people’s reactions or the process behind what triggers reactions, opinions and experiences within another’s mind – and within that I also realize that it’s the mind’s reaction, not even the real person – therefor I commit myself to direct myself out of the fear, bring myself back to here where I stand up within myself and decide to focus on BEING ME, and so, within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of triggering reactions that are based on negativity within other people’s minds I re-instruct myself to stop my participation in fear and instead focus on being me, where I no more accept and allow myself to live my life in fear of how others entire mind works but to instead establish and live the courage to be me and so trust myself and my capacity to stand up for myself, as I realize that I now have the capacity to protect and stand up for myself, thus I do not require or need to fear other’s negatively charged internal experiences.

The Toxic Fear of What Other People Might Think of You - Day 400

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being aligned with how other people would prefer and want me to be in the context of who I am, how I behave and how I look – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to mold, shape and adjust myself as the totality of who I am depending on who I am encountering, where I just instantaneously and automatically go into this pattern of adjusting, changing, molding and shaping myself with the starting-point of wanting, needing and desiring to attain the perception and interpretation of being someone that satisfies and pleases the person’s/people’s personal preferences in regards to what they appreciate, like and what activates and generates positive reactions and feelings within the individuals that I am facing.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others/another person – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with situations or moments where I perceive that who I am activates and generates negatively charged thoughts and experiences within another being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am rejected by another person/others or am activating negatively charged experiences or thoughts within another then that would mean, and be an evidence of the fact that I am not good enough and that who I am is not a worthwhile person – where I will thus allow myself to attempt and try to mold and shape myself so that I can avoid and prevent others from forming perceptions and opinions of me that are based on negativity due to thinking and believing that if I fail to make a ‘positive impression’ but instead activates and generates negative responses/reactions within others then I will consequentially HAVE TO feel inadequate, humiliated, less than, worthless, useless, self-hate and so on.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am taking the decision to utilize my perception of being rejected by others to confirm the judgments and opinions that I already have of myself in regards to being inadequate, less than, worthless, useless etc. – wherein such opinions and definitions does already exist within me through my acceptances and allowances in my relationship to myself – and that that is the only reason for why I would fear being rejected by others – because within this I see, realize and understand that if I would not have any negatively charged experiences and thoughts about myself within myself, that if I would not allow any form of self-judgment, then I would not be able to make such connection within the mind in relation to gauging my self-worth and self-value according to the perception I form of what reactions/thoughts/experiences I generate and activate within others – and I see and realize that what I see in others are merely reflections of myself, of my own experiences of me  - of my own self-relationship, wherein I see and realize that I am, every single day, rejecting myself, activating and generating negatively charged thoughts and experiences about myself – wherein I am the one that do not respect and accept myself and have consequentially thus placed such responsibility on others and so also given away the decision of who I am through accepting and allowing myself to define and decide who I am based on what I think and believe others to think and feel about me, what I think, believe and perceive myself to activate and generate within others – and I forgive myself that I have, for so long, for too long, accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to create and become a self, as I am, that would be seen as acceptable and adequate for others where I never allowed myself to let go of the idea and belief that I can only accept myself and respect myself and love myself when I am confirmed as good enough by others, when I can confirm that I have removed the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within others – not seeing or realizing that this possibility will inevitably exist as a possible outcome within my mind for as long as I allow myself to define and gauge my self-worth according to how I think and believe others to see and feel about me, because I cannot remove the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within myself as a response to the perception I form of my external world’s response to me through changing who I am externally – that for as long as I allow myself to judge and form negative opinions of me I will consequentially see such judgments and opinions within others as reflections of what I internally accept and allow.

• And so I see and realize that to stop fearing rejection within my world I require to stop rejecting myself through thoughts, words and deeds – I require to bring this point back to me and instead of trying to change and mold myself as an attempt to align myself with others personal preferences as what and who they prefer others to be, I have to focus on the real problem here – which is what I accept and allow within me, what I accept and allow myself to define and judge and hate myself for and why it is that I just do not want to stop hating and judging and bullying myself, what is the secret agenda here? What is it that I want to achieve? Because I realize that I can, in every moment, take that decision to stop, to stop projecting my self-judgments onto others, to stop finding excuses for why I am inadequate, to stop manipulating myself into thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to hate and judge and blame myself if I have managed to interpret it as though the initial rejection or disapproval came from another or others. And so why wouldn’t I stop this? Why would I want to continue?

• And so therefor I commit myself to really investigate, open up and look at this construct in regards to the value I place into the perception I form of what others think and feel about me, in regards to the desire, want and need to activate and generate certain thoughts and experiences within others and in regards to the fear of triggering negatively charged emotions and thoughts within others – where I see and realize that what I think that I am generating, activating and triggering within another/others are merely just a reflection of what I think and feel about myself, what I allow myself to generate and activate within me – and so I commit myself to stop projecting, to stop separating myself from me through fearing others rejection and experiences of me to instead see and realize that what I do fear is how I experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others think and experience – and the opinions I believe others to form of me are just revealing and showing me the opinion I allow to exist within me of myself – and therefor, through my writings, self-forgiveness and self-correction, I commit myself to walk through this, to face this me that I have created myself as and in that bring all the pieces back to me in the sense of taking self-responsibility for what I accept and allow within my relationship with me and so no more accept and allow myself to mold and shape myself to attempt and try to avoid and prevent rejection but to instead make sure that I stop rejecting myself, that I stop judging and blaming and hating myself and within that see and realize that the reason for why I would fear external rejection is due to self-rejection in thoughts, words and deeds.

You're Not to Think You are Good at Anything - Day 399

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must not, and have ‘no right to’, come across as self-confident in class and on upcoming exams after not having done well on the latest exam – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others and the teacher will perceive it as though I am not aware of how bad I performed in my latest exam or that people/the teacher will perceive it as though I am not ashamed of my bad performance if I come across as confident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be ashamed of my most recent performance within the previous exam to show myself and others/the teacher that ‘I am better than that’ and that I am punishing myself through being ashamed, that I am disciplining myself through being hard on myself and blaming myself – where I feel the need to show and state that I am not proud of my former performance, that I do not in any way accept such bad performance, through acting and going into the experience of shame and self-criticism – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to show the teacher how ‘bad I feel’ and how I in no way accept such bad results – that I in no way accept myself when I have performed ‘so lousy’ – and within that accepting and allowing my continued participation within school to suffer and get conditioned through accepting and allowing myself to fear acting and coming across in any other way than as being ashamed and embarrassed, where I see and realize that I am empowering and generating the experiences of being unconfident, self-doubtful, nervous and anxious which are experienced that will really not help me within my participation in my upcoming exam – as I have seen and realized that these experiences will rather prevent me from actually showing my capacity and I am within this merely trapping myself as I see and realize that accepting and allowing myself to be unconfident and self-doubting does inevitably lead to a lesser capacity to perform well and allowing such experiences are thus deliberate self-sabotage – and I mean; am I willing to lower my grade even more just because I fear coming off as confident when I believe that I should be ashamed?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being hard on myself and blaming myself whenever I perceive my external performances/achievements/participation to be imperfect or not good enough indicates that I am ‘self-aware’ and that it makes me ‘a better person’ since I am at least then apparently aware of my inadequacies and showing/stating to others and so to myself that I do not accept this from myself, that I am not unaware of, stand for or am proud of myself and my performances/participation/achievements - where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define being hard on myself as something that is positive and a good thing that makes me ‘a good person’ – not seeing or realizing how being hard on myself and blaming myself has never in fact lead me to becoming better at what I externally do or helped me performing better – since I within this become so preoccupied with blaming and being hard on myself that I consequentially prevent myself from really trusting myself and so standing within and as self-confidence when being faced with a situation wherein my capacity is being ‘tested’.

• And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to do my best within my upcoming exam I require to direct myself out of shame and self-blame and so instead decide to stand as self-confidence and self-trust, where I see and realize that I am only able to do my actual best when I do not allow a simultaneous internal fight and conflict – because when I allow myself to participate within shame and being hard on myself I am literally fighting with myself where what I would need is to work  and walk with me – and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation through making sure that I move myself out of self-doubt and do not accept and allow myself to be hard on myself due to perceiving myself to having performed lousy in my latest exam – but to instead let go of and give myself a clear and new opportunity where I do not accept and allow the belief of myself as being a better person and/or coming off as more aware if I am appearing as ashamed and disappointed at myself to influence and control my participation within my upcoming exam. Instead I commit myself to support myself when I see that I am being hard on myself through immediately directing myself back to here where I commit myself to walk with myself in and as who I am, here – where I see and realize that it is only me blaming myself, and that this will not help me in any kind of way and so therefor I re-instruct myself to stand on my own side in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern of following and complying with the need to be seen as ‘a good person’ for recognizing my apparent inadequacies – but instead I focus on being here, standing with me and so doing my best through moving myself out of self-blame and back to here through breathing – where I commit myself to give myself this opportunity to explore and investigate how it would be like to no more accept and allow self-blame to influence and control me.

Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.

How to Find Motivation When You'd Rather Give up - Day 397

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on perceiving it as though it is possible for me to attain the highest grade as an end-result of my participation within a specific subject for me to be able to motivate myself into studying - in the sense of seeing studying as something that is worthwhile and enjoyable – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become unmotivated and resisting studying after having messed up an exam, wherein I all of a sudden would feel as though there is no use because I have already missed my chance of attaining an A as my final grade – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “what’s the use” – where I would allow myself to physically and practically become that statement, where I find myself unable to motivate and move myself to study, which I see and realize is a result and indication of having formed a starting-point for studying which was never completely based on a self-movement but rather on having formed the idea of it being possible for me to attain the highest grade.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I just want to give up, where I see and realize that my motivation for studying is merely based on the perception I have formed of it being possible for me to attain an A in my final grade, wherein that dependency would result in an experience of being unmotivated when and as I saw myself losing that prospect.

• And so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed everything that I do, and my motivation for actually moving and pushing myself within what I decide to do, to be dependent on and determined by the perception I form of what I am able to attain through my participation – wherein I realize that I will actually merely feel motivated to participate when I have formed the perception of it being possible for me to attain a great result, and so whenever I perceive it as impossible for me to attain a great result I don’t see any purpose to participate – and I realize that this applies to pretty much everything within my reality, where my interpretation of the possible outcome will determine how motivated I feel to participate.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live self-movement within what I do and decide to participate within, but have instead accepted and allowed my perception of the possible outcome to determine how motivated I feel – not seeing or realizing how this is extremely self-limiting, as I become dependent on attaining an experience and belief in regards to seeing an opportunity of possibly attaining an experience of ‘being great’ within what I am doing or going to do for me to actually move myself and enjoy what I do – and so letting my starting-point be permeated with the interpretation I have formed of the possible outcome, and so already before starting something will assess what the outcome may/might be – projecting myself into the future and so preventing myself from moving myself, moment by moment, in self-direction.  

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within my school-participation to not ever accept and allow the experience of being unmotivated and the back-chat “what’s the use” to control and direct me into not studying – and so when I see that the back-chat “what’s the use” emerges within the mind, where an experience of not being motivated comes up, I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to stop my participation and within that take a stance to move myself out of the mind, where I do not listen and do not trust the mind to tell me what to do but instead I move myself, I take that opportunity to show myself capable of directing myself – and so I take responsibility through re-instructing and re-asserting myself within that moment to become the directive principle of me, where I re-align my starting-point to be ‘I move myself’ and thus practice on that in every moment where I see what needs to be done, and so I move myself to study, I practically sit down and focus, and whenever I see the mind interfere I take a moment to breathe, slow myself down and so move myself back to here and place my attention on practical, physical reality – to in that stop the dependency of experience and ideas about the outcome for me to be able to move myself within what I am doing – to instead make sure that no matter what the outcome may/might be I make sure that I do what needs to be done and so do my best, where I thus remind myself of the fact that this is what matters – as the point of who I am within what I am doing, that this is what shows me WHO I AM and is thus what will form my relationship with myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that who I am within my relationship with me is what gets influenced and determined by who I am within what I am doing, where I realize that I am not trustworthy, that I cannot trust myself really, if I do not show myself and walk my capacity, ability and responsibility to be the directive principle of me – and so, when I see that I experience myself as unmotivated and want to kind of like just ‘give up’ – I remind myself of this, I remind myself of the fact that what I am giving up on is me, is myself, is my integrity and my self-responsibility – that this has nothing to do with school at all but that it is rather about who I decide to be, what I decide to influence and control me – and I do not accept and allow my relationship with me to be and become deteriorated due to me, not taking self-responsibility through making sure that I MOVE myself, but instead I see the moments where I feel unmotivated as opportunities for me to show myself real strength, real self-respect and real self-movement through taking my life in my own hands and so decide to move myself from within to the without and thus replace the experience of attaining motivation from external factors, such as attaining the perception of it being possible for me to attain good results, with a movement as motivation from within, where I move myself as motivation from the within to the without.

Failing Before Even Trying - Day 396

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through creating an idea around final exams, wherein I expect, anticipate and assume that just because it is a final exam it will mean that it is way harder and more difficult than normal exams - where I have consequentially allowed that idea to influence and effect my starting-point and so my experience within myself before walking through a final exam – in where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this idea that I have formed of final exams to control my internal experience and approach, where I, even before actually doing the final exams, will within me decide that it is going to be hard and almost impossible – not seeing or realizing how such idea will actually make it impossible for me to really see the reality and so walk the final exam within self-awareness and self-stability, since I have already taken a decision to see it as difficult and am thus preventing myself from simply walking through and seeing the exam for what it is.

• And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it harder and more complicated than what it has to be through forming an emotional attachment to final exams – in where I now see and realize that I am preventing myself from seeing reality in terms of walking through the exam moment by moment and thus read the questions, understand the questions and so answer them – due to instead having formed a reaction of fearing that I won’t be able to understand or answer a question even before I have given myself the opportunity to actually read the questions.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation when walking through a final exam – to within that be aware of the tendency of self-sabotage wherein I go into the idea of it being more difficult and hard just because it is labeled as a ‘final exam’ and so, when I see that fear starts to emerge within me due to forming a perception of the final exam even before doing it I assist and support myself to stop my participation and breathe – where I no more accept and allow myself to go into, generate or feed this idea and starting-point but instead I move and direct myself out of such fear where I realize that I will merely prevent myself from focusing on real reality through creating layers of ideas and fears before walking through an exam.

• And so I furthermore commit myself to practice this point of preventing myself from generating this idea of it being more difficult and hard just because it is called a ‘final exam’ – where I instead re-instruct myself to approach the exam without making it seem sooo big and overwhelming – through within me being aware of the tendency of generating fear and anticipations and so in that instead take a stance within me to instruct myself to face the exam with ‘real eyes’ so to speak; meaning, really giving myself the opportunity to face reality through reminding myself of the fact that I cannot know how an exam will be until I walk it, and thus I commit myself to face the exams through making sure that I really read the questions slowly, in the sense of giving myself the opportunity to really understand what they are asking and so when having made sure that I understand the question I answer – to within that prevent myself from going into the tendency of rushing, as I realize that rushing has only resulted in misunderstandings/misinterpretations and so consequentially ineffectiveness as I’ll have to read the questions over and over again until understanding it – and so therefor I slow myself down, I remain here within breath and so make sure that I understand, which I can only do if I give myself the chance to focus on physical reality and so stop the point of rushing practically.   

When The Best Student Fails - Day 395

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute self-defeat while doing the final exam due to not being capable of answering all of the questions and so accessing and becoming preoccupied by fear of failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failure as an automatic response when coming across a question that I did not understand/did not know the correct answer to – wherein I would thus remain in that experience of fear that the first instance of not knowing the answer to a question set off, and so brought that experience with me throughout the entire exam – consequentially fearing every single upcoming question due to already having created a definition of myself as a failure caused by that first instance as the question that I saw myself being unable to answer correctly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress and anxiety when struggling with a question due to the limited amount of time that I had – wherein I would thus self-sabotage through looking at the watch and within that go into the mind thinking ‘shit, common –fuck I am so slow’ where I essentially just created a point of total black-out as a consequence of going into the mind, judging myself and inflicting stress – which I see, realize and understand merely made it more difficult as I would within that rather make myself ineffective since I was so busy participating within another dimension within the mind instead of actually being here, with me, working with myself to figure the equation out – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judging and being hard on myself will push me into working harder and faster – not seeing or realizing that every time I accept and allow myself to participate within stress, fear and anxiety I am only making it harder for myself since I am basically attempting to fight myself into managing to work harder and faster – which results in internal conflict/friction that prevents me from focusing on the only point that is here, which is the question/equation – where I see and realize that what I would require is to actually stand with myself and so work with me instead of against me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two separate entities within the mind through accessing fear, stress and self-anger as a response to perceiving myself not to work hard and fast enough throughout the exam and so within that creating yet another point within me of desire to succeed – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failure and desire to succeed as two separate points and dimensions of which I utilize to motivate and push myself within an exam – instead of seeing and realizing how this merely limits me from seeing what is here in self-stability and so support myself to walk through the exam moment by moment, breath by breath – because within that my starting-point is based on fear and desire rather than me, being here, walking what needs to be walked.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a perception of the final exam as the most important thing in the world, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own future and so take it to an extreme through making the possibility of getting a bad grade seem way greater than what it is in practical reality – but within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation in terms of going into the mind and convincing myself that this whole semester has been worthless and useless, that all the time I have spent studying and stressing about has been for nothing due to now understanding that I will lower my final grade.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to judge and blame myself as inadequate due to not nailing the final exam, wherein I would thus go into a point of grief, as though a part of me died with that final exam – which basically is what happened, because within this I see, realize and understand that I had formed a definition of myself based on always nailing the exams thus far, and while being faced with the final exam I realized that that would not be the case this time – which would then trigger such experience of grief/loss – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving the grade on my final exam due to understanding that the teacher will have to ask me what the hell went wrong – and so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher’s feedback due to having allowed myself to take the result of my performance personally and thus within that understanding that the teacher will point out that I have never performed this bad before – not seeing or realizing that, yes, the teacher will point this out and will most likely get quite surprised by the result to say the least, but that does not mean that I have  to take it personally, it does not mean that I have to blame and judge myself, as who I am, according to the feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment to ‘bad grades’ and ‘failure’ – where I react to everything except nailing the exam in absolute despair and shame – instead of within that seeing and realizing that reacting to it in despair and shame cannot assist or support me in any way, but that I am merely feeding and empowering the point of accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the grades even more.

I’ll continue on this point tomorrow.

When Self-Care Becomes The Ultimate Sin - Day 394

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not deserve to care for myself and accept myself if or when I perceive or experience it as though others to not care for or accept me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my self-support and compromise my self-relationship through letting the perception I form within the mind in regards to what others ‘give me’ to be the determining factor for how I see myself and so how I decide to treat myself in thought, word and deed – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to show me care and acceptance instead of giving myself self-care and self-acceptance unconditionally – and within this I see, realize and understand that I have formed an inherent belief and automatic pattern in relation to how I see myself and so treat myself, where I think and believe that I have to earn care and acceptance from others to be permitted to accept and care for myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is shameful to care for and accept myself if or when I have formed a perception within the mind of others not accepting me or caring for me – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and oppose caring for and accepting myself if or when I do not experience or interpret it as though others care for/accept me due to accepting an experience of shame to decide for me, where I see and realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to fully trust and give value to an experience of shame without ever having considered or questioned the belief of it being shameful to care for and accept oneself – but instead just immediately, automatically and instantaneously accepted shame to decide for me.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of going into self-anger and self-hatred when and as I form an idea or perception of others not caring for or accepting me, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it would be shameful and completely wrong for me to care for myself and accept myself when or if others don’t – due to thinking and believing that “I am not to think that I am anything special or important or worthy” – and so especially not in situations where I interpret or perceive it as though other people see me this way.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind and torment myself through back-chatting about how worthless and useless I am as an automatic response to situations/moments wherein I have formed the perception of not being accepted by others/another or experiencing it as though others/another is neglecting me – wherein I automatically and immediately just follow, listen to and comply with whatever comes up within the mind due to thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to judge myself as worthless and useless, and thus not care for and accept myself but rather neglect and punish myself, if or when I perceive others not to accept or care about me – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would give myself something that I do not deserve if I would to accept and care for myself in moments where others do not care about or accept me – and so within this allowing myself to use the slightest indication of disapproval, neglect or lack of care within another to trigger the construct of self-shame, where I just automatically accept and allow myself to go into the belief of myself as not being worthy of acceptance and care and thus consequentially neglecting and bullying myself within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that I am the one deciding to give value to the belief of myself as not deserving acceptance and care whenever I perceive others to neglect me in any kind of way, where I furthermore realize that I am actually constantly and continuously anticipating and expecting others to neglect and disapprove of who/how I am and within that am consequentially perceiving and reacting to everything within another with this self-belief veiling reality – and so within this I realize that the underlying point here is merely based on my own self-neglect and self-disapproval, where I allow myself to see myself as worthless and useless – and as a consequence I am anticipating and expecting others to form this idea about me, wherein I have manipulated myself into thinking and believing that if it is another who says that I am worthless then it is OK for me to think and believe that about myself – where that has thus become the belief which I will use to continue existing within and making it legitimate for me to see myself as worthless. But I mean, why would I believe that it is just completely OK for me to see myself as worthless and useless if I perceive it to come from outside of me? Why would I allow myself to just automatically go into shame when I perceive others to neglect or disapprove of me – when I can within that decide to stand up for myself and so not take it personally but instead choose to accept and care for myself, I mean this is about my life, my relationship to me – and so why compromise that through letting my perceptions and beliefs about what others may/might think of me to decide how I see myself and so how I experience myself within?

• I commit myself to assist and support myself through my writings and self-forgiveness to open up and investigate the construct I have formed in relation to utilizing my perception of others experiences/thoughts about me to decide how I treat and see myself – to in that further look at and stop the automatic pattern of going into shame and the belief that I do not deserve to accept and care for myself if I perceive it as though another neglect/disapprove of me. And within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am going into shame, as the situations where I believe others to neglect/disapprove of me – where I within that stop and so take a moment to breathe – where I stop the automatic response of self-blame and instead start to question what comes up – where I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into and give value to whatever comes up within the mind – but instead start to question it, investigating it and so show myself that I can make the decision not to go into it, not to trust or give value to it – but instead stop and breathe, where I realize that only I can decide who I am and so what I allow within – and so within that awareness I decide to realign my self-relationship to establish unconditional self-acceptance and self-care, to within that release myself from the dependency that I have formed to/towards what I believe and expect others to think of me – since that does not matter – because I still have the ultimate responsibility for who and how I am, within and without.

What Determines Your Worthiness? - Day 393

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire other people to react in a specific way as a response to the image I present to the world – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the reactions I may/might trigger within other people defines who I am in the context of my value and worth – where I see and realize that I am basically utilizing my perception of how other people respond and react to and towards the image I present of myself to the world to measure who I am and to gauge my value and worth– and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop a well-grounded understanding of the true nature of personal value in the sense of actually valuing life and real living – in relation to developing and investigating what real living, real expression is and means – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form an alternate reality as a result of allowing myself to adopt the distorted views that I have been presented with from this external world/reality – without ever questioning or investigating the beliefs, ideas and ideals that I have endorsed in terms of looking at and really live the understanding of how limiting these beliefs are, where I see and realize that the ideals and self-beliefs that I have formed and adopted as a result of the distorted views this external reality promotes are merely just opinions, ideas, beliefs – which means that they are not real, not tangible, not based on what is best for all or even based on any real value what so ever – and yet, I have allowed myself to mold my viewpoint about/of myself according to this.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling secure with myself as a person, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and look for inner peace and security connected to feeling good about who I am through seeking approval from my external reality and other people, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from internal stability in terms of actually standing with who I am and so trust myself, accept myself and give myself approval – and I forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity-construct in the sense of believing myself to require approval and validation from external sources to be able to ‘feel secure’ – and so consequentially manifesting the other side of the polarity, as the fear of external disapproval, criticism and rejection and the perception thereof – and so within that becoming dependent on external factors to feel approved of instead of seeing and realizing that remaining within such dependency on external factors to feel approved of, I will consequentially always remain within this polarity-game, this constant internal conflict and friction of fear and desire – where how I see myself will be in the hands of things that I have no control over.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that my starting-point behind something I feel the need to say or do is based on the internal experience of wanting approval from my external reality/other people in relation to the want, need and desire to stimulate/trigger specific reactions within other people and when I see that my starting-point is based on fear of rejection/criticism/disapproval – and so within that re-instruct myself to no more accept and allow myself to let an experience of wanting approval/validation or fearing rejection to be the starting-point behind who I am, how I am or what I say/do – but instead I immediately stop and breathe, where I take a moment and so re-establish my starting-point to no more accept and allow myself to search and look for approval/validation outside of myself – and so in that see and realize that to stop the fear of criticism, rejection and disapproval I require to stop the search and desire to stimulate/trigger specific responses within others to/towards me, since it is based on the same belief – as the belief I have created in relation to placing my own worth and value within the perception I form of what and how other’s sees and feels about me.

How To Become Better Than Everyone Else - Day 392

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing and interpreting it as though other people within my surrounding are more aligned with the ideal I have formed within the mind in relation to who I believe that I have to be as the self-image that I have come to perceive myself to require as a result of what I have learned to see as appreciated/valued by others – in the context of looking at who and how one must be to reactive positive feedback as validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from other people, and within where I believe myself to require appreciation and being seen as a worthwhile person by others for me to be able to see myself as worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that this would apparently mean that I am less than and inferior to beings which I perceive to be more aligned with the idea I have formed of what the ideal self-image is – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one making myself feel less than and inferior – that this experience is a result of the consent and value I allow myself to give to the belief I have formed in regards to what the ideal self-image is and further giving value to the idea that beings are either superior or inferior dependent on how aligned/affiliated the self-image that they present to the world is to the ideal I have formed and given value to within my mind as well as the value I give to the perception I form of how other people see me and respond to how/who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when and as I perceive another person to get recognition/validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear which would emerge to trigger an automatic pattern that I have formed, in where I automatically will attempt and try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people within the mind whenever I perceive a being to be better than me, more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind or if I perceive another person to get more validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation than me – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either make the person appear less than/not worthy of the recognition through secretly diminishing the being within my mind where I’m essentially searching and looking for aspects with the being that I can utilize as a means to make myself feel and see myself as less inferior, or allow myself to go into an experience of myself as being less than where I just submit to and fully trust the belief and idea of myself as being less worthwhile as a person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a competition-construct within the mind when and as I perceive another person to receive recognition from others for how or who the person is or for something that the person has achieved, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed instances where I perceive or interpret it as though another person is getting recognition to be and become a trigger-point that activates an automatic response within me, consisting of the experience of being challenged, where I believe that the self-image that I present to the world is being challenged – and in this have thus consequentially allowed myself to separate myself from, compare and compete with the being that I perceive to get attention/confirmation/validation/recognition – thinking and believing that my value and worth are at stake – and so believing that I require to assure my own worthiness as a person through changing who and how I am to be more aligned with what I see others to get recognition for.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that another person/other beings are getting recognition from the surrounding; through within that being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear – where I realize that the fear is the automatic response that triggers the pattern of going into either an internal competition through comparing and judging myself and my own worth in comparison to the other being/beings or the pattern of going into the mind where I’ll attempt/try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people due to believing that my self-image is at stake – and so within this I commit myself to prevent myself from going in to this construct through being aware of, and flag-point, these situations/occasions – and so within that no more accept and allow myself to take it further when and as I see that fear starts to emerge, but to instead immediately stop and breathe when and as I see myself reacting to/towards the perception I form of other people’s achievements and the recognition they’ll get – and so within me I assert myself to not participate, to not go into the pattern of comparing/competing/judging – but instead stand within who I am, and so reinstruct myself within the moment and realize that I know where this takes me, that this that is coming up within my mind is not so cool, really not assisting and supporting me and it’s really actually fucking me up within myself and my physical and my life – and therefor I take my place within myself, within my mind, relationship to I am and relationship to my physical body and so stand in that position of really taking responsibility for who I am, for what I want, for how I want to be, for how I want to experience myself and my physical and my life within this world and reality.