How to Look and Feel Your Best - Day 391

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of not being confident when being with or around other people – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way for me to reassure that I prevent and evade the experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident is through becoming as aligned and affiliated with the ideal that I have formed within the mind as I possibly can, so that I can present this ideal self-image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident comes from within, as a result of my internal participation within self-judgments stemming from the basic idea I have formed of myself – and that solving these internal experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident in certain situations will not and cannot be done through allowing and giving my consent/approval to self-judgments, and the experiences it result in, to decide who I am or my self-worth – because within that I am merely feeding and generating the program that I have formed within me – where I see and realize that changing ‘who I am’ externally as an attempt to become more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind, will and can merely suppress the symptoms as the internal experiences of inadequacy for so long, since I am not actually in any way changing, like really changing who I am within in the sense of establishing actual self-confidence – but am only creating a shielding layer as a measure of protection which I can hide behind to feel better about myself for just a while – until I find yet another thing about me that is not aligned with the ideal self-image. And so I see, realize and understand that to really establish actual self-confidence I require to stop this program, to stop this from the within to the without – where the only solution lays within me, within me as my self-awareness.

• And so I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to decide what I am going to accept and allow within me and so without – where I realize that emerging as that self-awareness is a decision that has to be made in practical reality, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that judgments emerges within me and so I immediately stop my participation, I breathe and I bring myself back to here – where I stand as that awareness, leading my own life and thus standing as that decision to no more accept and allow myself to attempt and try to suppress the symptoms of the basic idea I have formed of myself in the context of being inadequate through attempting and trying to mold and align myself to become more like the ideal self-image that I believe to exist – but instead I face the basic idea that I have formed of myself and so stop accepting and allowing self-beliefs to tell me who I am – and so start directing myself within the situations where I see that the experiences of being uncomfortable or unconfident emerges – where I, within my awareness, realize that this is merely an experience, it does not mean that I have to go into, give value to or trust it – and so therefor I commit myself to practice this point of practically asserting myself within these situations where I direct myself not to take the judgments or experience of being unconfident personally – but instead within me decide to give myself the opportunity to find out what would happen and how it would be when I do not go into it or trust it to be me but instead just state ‘No, till here no further’.

To Exist On Something Other Than a Scale - Day 390

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will see me as less than others/not as interesting or as good as other people and thus turn their backs on me and leave or replace me with someone ‘better’ if I do not live up to and according to the norms, as the constant strive to obtain and become the ideals that are collectively being accepted as ideally within this society in terms of who and how I believe I must and should be and present myself to the world for others to see me as interesting enough/good enough/beautiful enough/worthy enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing on something other than a scale, measuring one's alignment and affiliation with the ideal self-image consisting of what is being seen as external perfection in terms of who and how one is, behaves and looks – wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the ideals that I have formed within the mind in relation to who and how I believe I must be and so present and portray myself to the world to prevent others from seeing me and the self-image I present as less than other people’s self-images – due to thinking and believing that the measurement of my personal value will decrease in the eyes of others if I let go of or do not fit into the frame of what I perceive and believe to be defined, encouraged and valued within this system as ‘the ideal self-image’, as who and how one must be and present themselves within this world to be approved and to be seen as worthwhile person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the strive and attempt to fit into the frame of what is being seen as the ideal self-image in terms of what I perceive to be approved and valued externally in the context of how and who a person should and require to be for others to praise, validate and value the being – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get exchanged/replaced with someone else within the relationships that I have - thinking and believing that I won’t stand a chance against people that I perceive to be more aligned and ranked higher on the scale that measure one’s alignment and affiliation with the ideal self-image, and so believing that I would consequentially be replaced within the relationships that I have with other people.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and limit myself and my life through placing greater importance and value on external validation than on creating a relationship with me where I place value and importance on who I am and on establishing unconditional self-acceptance, where I have allowed the approval of others to be the standard by which I gauge my own worth – instead of seeing and realizing that letting my perception of someone else’s opinion shape the view I have of myself is actually a deliberate decision, wherein I decide to absorb and incorporate the perception I form of what others think of me – and that I thus have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to stop placing value and importance on external feedback and my perception of whether I manage to live up to the ideal self-image or not – where I see and realize that I am dishonoring, compromising and wasting my life and so myself as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to attempt and try to mold and change myself into becoming someone else externally – where nothing within me, as my internal circumstances, will or can change through external adjustments and alterations.

• When and as I see that fear emerges within me due to perceiving myself as who I am, what I accomplish or how I look, to be inadequate/not good enough/not aligned with what is referred to as ideally or affiliated with the belief I have formed within the mind towards what an ideal self-image is – I stop and I breathe – within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through taking a moment to breathe and ground myself here, where I no more accept and allow myself to feed and empower such internal fear and belief of myself and my worth as being defined and gauged by how close or how far away I am from the image I have formed within the mind in relation to what the ideal self-image is – but instead I commit myself to assist and support myself to immediately stop my participation, bring myself back to here and in that focus on what matters in terms of who I am and what I accept and allow within - and so I make sure that I direct and move myself to not accept and allow any further participation within perceptions of myself that are based on comparisons with the idea I have formed of what an ideal self-image is but instead I reassert myself within the moment to assist and support myself to ground myself here through breath.

Obliterating The Ideal Self-Image - Day 389

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form an ideal within the mind, consisting of the self-image that I desire and want myself to be and become – as the idea I have of who or what I have to be, as who I think and believe that I require to become for me to be able to be satisfied with myself, for me to be able to stop judging myself as inadequate and for me to be able to be confident and stop comparing and stop competing with others – not seeing or realizing that what fuels and empowers this internal experience of having to become something or someone else then who I am and believe myself to be, as what I have allowed myself to define myself as and by, to be able to become comfortable, confident and satisfied with and within myself is my own participation, where I realize that I accept and allow myself to actually take the decision to deliberately go into, give value to and trust the idea that comes up within the mind as an imagination of it being ‘who I am’ that is the problem, that is lacking, not seeing and realizing that it is not the ‘who I am’ that is what needs to be changed or aligned with the internal ideal I have formed, but it is rather the definitions, perceptions and ideas I have in relation to who I am and how I see myself that I require to change and recreate and that what needs to be stopped is the value I allow myself to give to the ideal I have formed within the mind – where I see and realize that the ideal I have formed within the mind is based on external knowledge and information which I have given value to and trusted to be what and who I need to be and become – where I have essentially brainwashed myself into trusting and incorporating external messages and propaganda in regards to ‘who and how one should be’ – instead of giving myself the opportunity to trust myself to look within me, and so trust the actual understanding I have in relation to how external messages about what is ideal and what is not, are not in any way based on what is really in fact valuable within a human being – as each being’s individual expression – wherein what is being taught and encouraged within the system are rather the opposite – and I mean; how fun would it be if every being became just copy of each other, just a bunch of clones? Is that the type of world I would want to live within? No – so I see, realize and understand that I would rather see individuals that actually dare living self-expression,  that dare standing up for who they are as their real beingness, and so within this I see and realize that I have the responsibility to be what I want to see within this world in terms of no more accepting and allowing myself to attempt and try to be and become the ideal I have formed within the mind as the apparent perfect self-image just so that I can experience it as though I fit into the frame of what is being seen as an acceptable image that I can present to the world – but to instead investigate, find out and explore who I REALLY am, what it REALLY means to live self-expression and within that practically establish self-acceptance where I live the courage that I wish to see within this world, within other people – and so realize that that would actually be so much more awesome than what it would be to become just a clone, just another copy of the images and ideals that is being imposed from this external world and reality – I mean, how can I trust this society, when actually looking at how this system functions, to tell me who I should be – when looking outside of myself and seeing the result of what we have collectively accepted and promoted and followed and complied with?

Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to what I externally do/manage to do – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to ‘earn’ value and worth through my external participation in the sense of achieving, accomplishing and performing within the frames of what I have learned to define as ‘good’ and ‘valuable’- as the opinions that I have incorporated from this system/society in relation to what is being seen as ‘good’ – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to ‘enhance’ my value through the things that I am doing in my practical reality – instead of seeing and realizing that I am actually denying myself my value and worth as life by implying that I have to earn it through external achievements – and that what is being defined as ‘good’ within this society/system is not in any way based on what is actually best for all but essentially determined by what one has to do to ensure one’s survival, where accomplishments and success are directly connected and linked to money, to survival, to conquering a contest that only a few can win, and where the possibility of winning merely exist as a polarity to the majority that has to loose.

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to compete about value with others, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to conquer through proving myself worthy through externally performing and achieving ‘better’ than others – so that I can ensure my own survival.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my own survival will be at risk if I do not live according to the belief and idea that I require to earn value through externally achieving within the frames of what is being defined as ‘good’ by this society.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my experience of myself to be conditioned and controlled by how much and ‘how good’ I perceive myself to perform externally within my day to day living, where I see and realize that I have allowed the interpretation/perception/experience that I form as a response to what I have managed to get done, and the apparent quality of what I have done, within a day to completely determine how I feel about myself in the context of whether I see myself as valuable/worthy or not – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just blindly and automatically accept and allow the experience, perception and belief that comes up within the mind as a response to how ‘effective’ I apparently am or am not within a moment/situation/day – instead of seeing and realizing that just because I have made an assessment and created an opinion in relation to my effectiveness or the quality of what I have done, where I see it as though I am not aligned with the demands and expectations I have of myself, it still does not mean that it is legitimate to judge myself as less worthy or not good enough – but that I have within this allowed myself to give value to the belief that I somehow get a free pass to judge myself as inadequate within situations/moments/periods where I practically assess my performance/participation and conclude that my participation is in some way not aligned with the definition I have in relation to what is ‘good’.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself when and as I see that I am forming a perception or experience as a response to my external participation and in relation to the ‘effectiveness’ or quality of what I do – and in where I within this no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within judgment but instead I bring myself back to here, to breathing – where I see and realize that what I do does not determine my value or worth – and so therefor I commit myself to slow myself down and realign/correct my starting-point to instead support myself within what I am doing, where I within my awareness move with me, with breath and so value myself as life instead of placing my value into what I manage to do – since I see and realize through doing so I will merely trap myself within a struggle between superiority and inferiority.

The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and habitually participate within a desire, want and need to and towards attaining the experience of being more successful/accomplished/better than others within the areas of which I participate within in my external world and reality – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on such internal experience – where I within that think and believe that for me to be able to enjoy what I do and motivate myself to continue my participation, I require to interpret it and experience it as though I am better/more accomplished than others, or that there is an opportunity/chance for me to become better than others within that specific area. – And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my external participation/involvement to be regulated and determined by the perception I form within the mind in relation to ‘how accomplished others are within this area’ – where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern of constantly and continuously assessing and ranking how good/accomplished others are within the areas of which I also participate within or consider to start participating within – where I am kind of like estimating where I am or could/would be on the parameter/diagram I have formed within the mind – and in this accepting and allowing the evaluation of ‘where I am/would/could be’ in relation to others to determine how I experience myself, whether I will feel good enough or not, if I will continue/start participating and how I feel about others in regards to either seeing others as superior/a threat or not.

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite people that I perceive to be better than or more successful/accomplished than me – but at the same time thinking and believing that if I become ‘better than’ and more successful than others, then people will be more inclined to accept and like me – not seeing or realizing how I am revealing and showing to myself that I experience the contrary, that I am not in any way more inclined to accept/like people that I perceive to be ‘better’/more accomplished than me but will rather feel threatened and intimidated by such people where I attempt to deteriorate them just so that I can feel better about myself – so, how can I trust and give value to the belief that ‘others will be and become more inclined to accept and like me if I am better than them’ when my intuition is to dislike and not accept people that I perceive to be better than me? – Since I would within that rather feel intimidated, threaten, inadequate and less than such beings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will overtake/move faster than me when it comes to specific areas that I participate within in my external world/reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything as a race, as a competition - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘falling behind’ or not moving as fast as others, and am consequentially manifesting an internal reverberating experience of stress and fear – accepting and allowing myself to participate within and generate a constant internal conflict, where I am basically attempting and trying to fight myself into keeping up with others and where I go into an automatic response of fear whenever I interpret or perceive it as though I am falling behind or am not moving as fast as others or another person – not seeing or realizing that I am actually within this completely forgetting about and missing me, who I am and what really in fact matters – where I get so preoccupied with winning a race that I haven’t even considered asking myself why? – and within this I see, realize and understand that the slight experience of ‘accomplishment’ that emerge within me as a response to the interpretation I form of having accomplished something or attained perfect results within something, does only last for a split second – and then I am right back in the competition/race again – and so I see, realize and understand that I am within this constantly attempting to run away from the experience of ‘failure’, of being ‘less than others’ – but, trying to run away from such experience is definitely not a solution, because I realize that I am preventing myself from facing the fear and facing myself and the creation I have constructed in relation to the integrated self-belief of myself, who I am and my self-worth as something that is dependent on and determined by the accomplishments I manage to achieve externally.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself to face me, to face my own creation as how I have constructed and formed my life to be and become a constant race – where I am essentially running away from myself, from actually caring for myself and from developing and living self-acceptance – I mean; shit, this is not how I want to live my life, this is not what I want for myself or would want for anyone within this existence. And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I start to compare myself to others in the sense of assessing who is better/more accomplished – where I in that immediately stop my participation and breathe – in where I direct my attention and focus to stop following, stop participating and stop obeying to what comes up within the mind – but instead I bring myself back to here, back to breathing, where I correct myself within such moments through realizing that I am one and equal to others, that others are parts of me – and therefor I no more accept and allow myself to separate myself from me through competing with others but instead I direct myself to slow myself down and work with others, with myself – and so giving myself the opportunity to face what it is that I am attempting to run away from, where I have the tools with which to stabilize myself – and so with my breathing, my self-forgiveness and self-corrections I commit myself to face my own creation and explore how it is to live a life where I value who I am, and in that get to know this ‘I’ through removing the current construct that I live within that is based on valuing and defining this ‘I’ by the mind's interpretation of what I externally can/do accomplish. Because within this I see and realize that I am hiding behind external accomplishments, where I fear facing who I am when peeling off the ‘acceptable image’ I portray and present to the world. But, I realize that it is time – and so I commit myself to peel off the layers and face who I am beneath the veil of what I do.

I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will succeed in ways and within areas where I perceive myself to have failed within or am unable to succeed within – due to thinking and believing that if another person can succeed and manage to obtain a better result than me within areas that I participate within, then that must mean that I am not ‘as good as that person’ but am rather less than and inadequate – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the perception I have of my external performances/accomplishments to others, where I within that have allowed myself to create a pattern of constant comparison and competition in the sense of believing that who I am, and so my self-worth, is determined and measured by whether or not I perceive others to be better than me within areas that I participate within as well.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the image I present of myself to the world will be deteriorated and degraded if and when I perceive someone else to be better than me or more successful than me within areas of which I participate within as well.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have not ever within or throughout my life accepted and allowed myself to question this pattern of self-interest as how I exist and live within this world in relation to others, where all I have come to care about is presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question and ask myself why – in the sense of looking at and investigating how and why I believe that presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world would matter or determine who I am - I mean; here I am busy separating myself from all and everyone through a continuous pattern of competition, where I essentially want others to fail just so that I can portray myself as more successful within the mind, but – why? What purpose does that serve?

• And so within this I commit myself to, through my writings and my self-forgiveness, start to investigate, look at and question the patterns I have formed in relation to feeling the need to portray and present an acceptable image of myself to the world – where I see and realize that I do not even understand my own creation fully, where I exist within an obsession in regards to the results I obtain externally in the sense of fearing failure and desiring to be better than others within what I do – but in where I have never really asked myself why, since – no matter what I ‘accomplish’ externally I have still always feared failure and especially in the context of perceiving myself to not be as good as others, due to thinking and believing that if I do not manage to portray an acceptable image of myself to the world then that must mean that I am inadequate – and so to within this look at the pattern of competing with others, where I realize that the construct serve no purpose but is merely perpetuating my existence within separation from others – and am thus separating myself from me through comparing myself with points and aspects that are outside of me – instead of actually establishing a relationship with me where I live self-acceptance and in that expand and grow within what I do without utilizing the points of comparison and competition, but rather move myself and so stand with others in assisting and supporting myself and so others to expand, develop and grow.

An Implicit Competition - Day 385

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I say/share when communicating/interacting with another person will get attacked/criticized/cut down by the other in where another person use what I say ‘against me’ by implying that what I say/share is inadequate or wrong and that the other being knows more or is better/smarter - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying/sharing something that may/might make the other being experience it as though I am flawed/inferior/less than that being – due to thinking and believing that what another person thinks of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that even if what I say/share does or would get attacked/criticized/cut down by another, it does not necessarily and automatically mean that it is personal or that I require to take it personally but that I do actually have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to decide who I am in every moment, and that even if or when I perceive it as though another judge me as inferior I am still responsible for how I internally respond to such interpretation – where I see, realize and understand that I am the one making myself inferior through accepting and allowing myself to be and become the judgments I perceive others to form of me or towards something I say, and so therefor I realize that there is actually nothing to fear here, that I require to stand my ground and decide who I am in every moment and thus realize that another person’s response to what I share/speak is a reflection of who they are – and that it is thus no need to take it personally or make it personal.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person I am interacting with will start an implicit ‘competition’ about who is the best/most educated/most knowledgeable where what I say/share gets ridiculed or repressed – due to thinking and believing that another human being can make me feel inferior, not seeing or realizing that it is only I who can make myself feel inferior through allowing myself to take someone else’s behaviors/words personally and within that making myself a victim through ‘just taking it’ instead of slowing myself down, looking inside of myself and so decide in every moment what I will accept and allow and what not – because within this I see, realize and understand that the reason for why another person’s behaviors/words trigger an experience of inferiority/inadequacy within me is because such program exist within me – where what is shown is that I still have points to work on and correct in regards to who I am within my relationship to me and in relation to self-acceptance, where I realize that within moments/situations where I perceive it as though another person attacks/ridicules what I share/speak are actually awesome opportunities where I can cross-reference where and who I am – where I can utilize such situations to practice on re-instructing myself to observe instead of inverting what comes up within my external reality.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself when interacting with other beings, through being aware of who I am within such situations – to in that be able to slow myself down within moments where I see myself going into fear of being attacked/criticized or being seen as inferior/not as good as the other being – and so when I see that fear emerging within me I take a moment to slow myself down with breath and within that I commit myself to stand within and as self-acceptance – where I direct and decide who I am within me, no more accepting and allowing another person to tell me who I am or whether I am inferior or not.

• I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am interpreting/perceiving it as though another person is starting a competition about who is 'the best' etc. – where I within that immediately direct myself to not participate within such game, but instead I observe what is going on outside of me and within that let it be just that, outside of me – where I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to invert whatever another person are implying but instead I let it play out and within that stand my ground through not accepting and allowing myself to take it personally or inverting it – but instead take such moments as opportunities to see where I am at, cross-referencing if any point within me isn’t clear and so also be able to get to know another being – as I see and realize that it is quite fascinating observing another person’s behavior and it is no need to take it personally or make it personal.

Why Do We Resent Successful People? - Day 384

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being ‘less than’ or inferior to another person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of going into an internal competition with others where I feel the need to assert myself and prove to others that ‘I am just as good as you are’ whenever I perceive or interpret it as though another person is sharing or talking about their achievements/performances/accomplishments or are in some way acknowledging their own ‘success’ – where I within that have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being inferior/less than/not as good as – and will consequentially attempt and try to obtain the other side of the polarity, where the desire to feel ‘good enough’ and ‘just as good as’ comes up within me, where I am essentially trying to balance out the internal fear and negative experience of ‘not being as good as another’ through going into an internal competition where I feel the need to assert myself to be able to obtain the positive experience of being ‘just as good as’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an automatic pattern of wanting to, and believe that I require to, assert myself and prove that I am ‘just as good as another’ immediately whenever another person talks about their achievements/performances/accomplishments – and within that thinking and believing that another person will ‘think less of me’ or see me as inferior if I do not respond in the sense of letting them know that whatever they can or have accomplished is something that I have accomplished or am capable of as well – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ‘think less of me’ if or when I do not prove to myself and to others that I am ‘just as good as them’ .

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately and automatically go into the mind and compare myself to other people/another person whenever a being share/talk about an achievement/accomplishment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to validate a belief/idea/perception of myself in relation to being ‘just as good as the other person’ through going into and participating within an internal competition where I give value to and participate within the fear of ‘losing’ in the context of internally experiencing and perceiving myself to be inadequate and inferior and so within that feed and empower the desire to be able to validate a perception of myself as being ‘just as good as’ or better than/superior to the other being – where I within this forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become spiteful within me whenever I perceive it as though another person is bragging in the sense of attempting to appear as ‘better than’ or superior in some way – where I have allowed that perception of others to be and become a trigger-point within me where I will automatically respond through going into the tall poppy syndrome as a result of my internal fear of being seen as less than/not as good as/inadequate – and so within that go into resent because of another person’s achievement and my perception thereof merely because of my own internal fear of not being able to validate a belief/idea/perception of myself in relation to being ‘just as good as others’ and due to the desire to be able to obtain the internal experience of being better/superior.

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations/moments where I perceive it as though another person share/talk about their achievements/performances/accomplishments or are in some way acknowledging their ‘success’ and in where I within me see that fear of being/being seen as less than/inferior to emerge within me and so the want/need/desire to assert myself and prove to others that I am ‘just as good as you’, I within that take a moment to slow myself down, where I breathe and ground myself here – and so within that see, realize and understand that I do not require to prove anything – and so instead I take my place within myself where I move myself out of the fear and so the desire and instead direct myself where I decide to accept myself, and so realize that I do not require to externally assert myself or make myself seem ‘just as good as another’ because within me I stand as and within that point of self-acceptance for myself unconditionally. And so within this I commit myself to practice this point of simply remaining here, where I slow myself down and simply listen to and focus on what the being is sharing, where I direct myself to listen instead of attempting and trying to come up with some form of response within the mind which will ‘prove me just as good as’ but instead I give myself self-acceptance and so move myself out of the competition and instead place my focus and attention on what is really here as the interaction I am participating in.

Bitch, Stop Competing - Day 383

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to compete with other people in the sense of comparing myself and who ‘I am’ in my external participation to how I perceive others to be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to prove to myself that I am better than others for me to be able to accept myself – not seeing or realizing that I am merely separating myself from me, and so from others, through accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and within that compete with the perception I form of who others are within the mind.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I notice or perceive it as though another person is deliberately attempting and trying to make it seem as though he/she ‘is better’ in some way or another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear, inadequacy and inferiority as a response to seeing/perceiving it as though another person is starting a competition about ‘who is the best in a specific area’ and in that ‘showing off’ – not seeing or realizing that within such instances/moments/situations I do not have to go into, partake or participate within the competition – and just because I perceive it as though another person is ‘showing off’ or attempting to make him- or herself seem ‘better’ does not automatically mean that I have to feel inferior or less than – that within situations where I perceive it as though another person is starting a competition or am trying to put me down to make themselves seem better, I can actually take the decision to direct myself, to not participate, to not fuel the competition but to instead make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing and within that take self-responsibility for any experience of inadequacy or want/need/desire to partake and respond to the ‘competition’ – where I see, realize and understand that I do not have to show/prove to another that ‘I am better than what they think’ – since that would merely fuel the competition and separation even more. And within this I see, realize and understand that the only reason for competition and comparison is internal insecurities – and, so why would I want to feed another person’s insecurities and so my own through taking a ‘competition’ seriously and partake within it?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another person will see or perceive me as inferior or less than them – and within that thinking and believing that I have to prove them wrong if or when I interpret it as though another person is, in some way or another, implying that I am less than them or less than who I actually am – not seeing or realizing that whether another person sees me, or sees a limited version of me does not really matter – it can only influence me if and when I accept and allow myself to take it personally and so believe myself to be the perception I perceive another to form of me.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments/situations where I perceive it as though another person is starting a competition about ‘who is the best’ when it comes to a specific area – where I within this become aware of the tendency of wanting to participate/partake within the competition due to fear of being seen as ‘less than who I am’ – and when and as I see that the fear starts to emerge within me, I commit myself to take a moment, breathe, bring myself back to here where I see, realize and understand that I do not have to prove myself better or prove to another that I am not ‘who they think I am’, that I am ‘just as good as they are’ – no, I do not accept or allow myself to take part in the competition but instead I make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing – and within that see, realize and understand that ‘proving another person wrong’ will merely fuel and feed the competition and so the separation – therefor I commit myself to re-instruct myself within such moments, where I direct myself out of the want/need/desire to prove someone wrong or make myself ‘look better’ and instead I realize that I know who I am and so therefor I am in no need to prove to another that I am adequate or ‘just as good as they are’ – and in that I further realize that through going into such mental competition I will merely fuel and empower another person’s insecurities and their internal need to prove themselves as ‘good’ or ‘better than’ – and so I commit myself to instead just stand here, with and as the other person in the sense of seeing and realizing that we have both constructed ourselves in a similar way in the sense of thinking and believing that we are inadequate and that we thus have to prove ourselves worthy – and so through realizing this I take a stance to instead be and stand as an example in the sense of showing that we do not have to compete with each other, that I will not partake.

How We Make The Smallest Things Seem Huge - Day 382

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself within busy periods of time in where I have a lot on my plate – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of generating and manifesting a fight with and within myself, where I am essentially attempting and trying to fight myself into ‘making it’ – not seeing or realizing that it is during such periods of time that I am in most need of actually assisting, supporting and caring for myself in the sense of working with me instead of against me, through finding practical solutions to be able to walk through what needs to be done – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more pressure, strain and stress within myself during periods of time where I am faced with a lot of things that needs to be done - and in that creating and putting extra strain and pressure of stress on my physical body as well – and so within this I see, realize and understand that through going into reactions and stress when I am faced with busy periods of time I am only making myself experiencing the situation as extra-difficult – where I am the one that decides to experience my practical reality as difficult and stressful – when all the while I can actually within that assist and support myself to direct myself into simply walking through what needs to be done – that generating and manifesting stress will not, and cannot, help me in any kind of way.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I am faced with stressful situations/moments/periods – I am merely fueling the stress through accepting and allowing myself to react towards the situation/the things that I have to get done – where I realize that I have formed a habit of going into a reaction of stress/anxiety whenever I perceive it to be ‘too much’ – and from that reaction will go into a fight with myself – where I believe that I require to push myself to get it done and within that not seeing or realizing that fighting fuels the stress even more – and that within stress I am actually unable to direct myself effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through making everything that I have to do into a factor of stress, where I am immediately attaching stress to anything and everything that I see must be done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things so much harder than what they have to be through seeing what needs to be done as something that ‘I must do’ – as though it is a matter of life or death – not seeing or realizing how I am making the smallest things seem so huge through accepting and allowing myself to look at the points within the mind, where I am essentially blowing things out of proportion instead of practically looking at and walking through one thing at a time – because within this I see, realize and understand that in physical space and time I can only do so much and I can only do one thing at a time – however, when I am within the mind thinking about everything at once it will seem overwhelming and too much – and so I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging when and as I, within the mind, list all the things that I apparently have to do – because within that I am not at all looking at practical reality or what I can do right here and right now – but will instead merely prevent myself from moving, from directing myself into actually doing – and am thus wasting time thinking about what needs to be done – where I see, realize and understand that what I could do to assist and support myself is to instead just decide, within that moment, what needs to be prioritized and then just do it, just walk it and then from there further assess what needs to be done etc. – to in that be here, move myself here – instead of generating stress and going into complete paralysis.

• Within this I commit myself to re-instruct myself within busy periods of time to, when I see myself reacting to/towards the situation/the things that I have to do, assist and support myself by going through what I can and within that walk it breath by breath, and whenever stress come up, I take a moment, breathe, get out of the mind and get back into the physical, placing my attention and focus on the thing I am busy doing – saying to myself “do what you can” – and so within that really practice that point of walking it through one breath at a time to prevent myself from making it seem overwhelming.

Fearing The Absence Of Stress - Day 381

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear and anxiety as an automatic response to when I see myself being relaxed and not stressed – where I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the absence of stress to fear, believing that ‘something is wrong’ as a consequence of how I have adapted and aligned myself with the constant and continuous internal experience of being stressed and anxious.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage within moments where I am not experiencing stress through generating and going into an experience of discomfort due to believing that ‘this is not how I should experience myself’ based on the inherent pattern which I realize that I have, in a way, become addicted to – where I basically see ‘being stressed’ as the ‘normal state of my beingness’ – and within that accepting that to be and become what I am ‘comfortable’ within, how I believe that I should experience myself – and then when I do not experience stress, something is apparently wrong – and so within that not seeing or realizing how I am actually deliberately self-sabotaging in moments where I do not experience stress – where I am, within such situations/moments,  essentially going into the mind where I go over everything that I apparently ‘must do’ – and in that am consequentially placing myself back into the pattern of stress.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absence of stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and manifest stress within moments where I see that I am not actually stressed through going into the mind in where I am essentially searching for stuff that I can stress about, where I allow myself to go into the belief that ‘I must have forgotten something’ as an automatic response to the absence of stress – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that I have forgotten or missed something if I do not experience stress – not seeing or realizing that this is how I tend to self-sabotage, where I have allowed myself to get so used to and addicted to the inherent pattern of stress and struggle that I am within that deliberately making life and living more difficult for myself, as though I want to struggle/fight – where I even see myself capable of stopping and directing myself out of the stress – but where I have allowed myself to form a resistance towards experiencing anything else than stress as a consequence of how I have mistakenly connected the absence of stress to ‘something is wrong’.

• I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not experience stress, then that must mean that I have forgotten something – where I have for such an extended period of time existed within the habit of always stressing about every single thing I have to do – and how I have, within that, merely ‘escaped’ the stress within moments where I actually have forgotten something, which then later on, when remembering the thing I had forgotten, would go into an even more intense experience of stress – and so I see and realize that I have consequentially formed an automatic pattern of going into fear when I do not experience stress, where I am connecting that absence of stress to ‘having forgotten something’ – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to actually look at and investigate whether I have forgotten something or not without going into or generating stress immediately when I find something that I have missed, that the stress in itself will not and cannot help me or support me in any kind of way within such situations – and so I realize that fearing the absence of stress due to thinking and believing that that would imply that I have forgotten something is really just an habitual pattern that I have created, a pattern which does not support me.

• And therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear start to emerge as a consequence of the absence of stress, where I see that thoughts about whether I have forgotten something or not starts to appear – to within such situations see and realize that I am busy generating the pattern of stress – and so therefor I stop my participation and breathe, where I ground myself here and move myself out of the fear and within that slow myself down where I instead practically check my schedule/calendar and thus stick to practical reality, where I see, realize and understand that I do not require stress within that moment but to instead plan and organize my responsibilities.

You Can Rest When You've Died Due To Stress - Day 380

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses such as ‘I must do this and that’ as justifications for never giving myself me-time or a moment for myself, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a break where I decide to just let go of everything I believe that I ‘have to/must do’ and in that give myself a moment to care for myself, to look at the point of; what do I need within my relationship to myself for me to be able to find stability and balance in relation to my external participation – where I see, realize and understand that I require to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day – but that I instead have allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have enough time for that, that there are more ‘important’ things that needs to be prioritized – not seeing or realizing that I am existing within and perpetuating an inherent pattern where I am basically manifesting a ‘burnout’ – which happens because of too much stress and in where I see and realize that I am creating consequences due to not giving myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day. And so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself through instead prioritizing the things that I believe that I must do, not seeing or realizing how I am within this completely missing life and living, where I have instead allowed myself to formed my life according to and focused all my attention on my external participation – and consequentially forgetting about me and what is actually important and matters in terms of who I am within my life, who I am within my self-relationship.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all that matters is what I manage to do externally, in the sense of constantly and continuously prioritizing what I do within my external reality and so neglecting, disregarding and ignoring who I am within that – where I am focusing so much on doing good ‘out there’ that I never give myself the opportunity to look at and take responsibility for creating a life that I would really want for myself – and in where I instead have allowed myself to become so preoccupied with doing the things that I believe that I must do that I failed to realize that there will always be things that I ‘must do’ within my external reality/world – and that for me to be able to actually create a life that I would really want for myself I require to find balance in the sense of giving myself that which I require at the same time as I walk my external participation.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a moment/moments as breaks during the day due to thinking and believing that if I stop what I do for just a moment, I might not get everything that I believe that I must do done. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘well, I take a moment later, when I am done’ – in where I consequentially don’t take any breaks at all, as I am postponing it until ‘later’ – which I see, realize and understand is a deliberate manipulation, because within this I understand that if I tell myself that I will take a break later, then that later will get postponed further and further. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I can’t relax or take a moment/break before I am done with all of my responsibilities’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to trust this belief in the sense of really believing that it is impossible for me to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day without creating additional stress – not seeing or realizing how this is just a belief, that I am actually capable of taking the decision to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day and within that move and direct myself out of any experience as reactions that may/might emerge as a response to that – because within this I see, realize and understand that I require to push through that resistance towards giving myself a moment/breaks throughout my day – and within that change my daily participation through incorporating some me-time, some time for me to rest and let go – otherwise it can become consequential. And within this I see, realize and understand that, for example, getting straight A’s in school is not something that will be of any use if that means that I compromise my self-stability and my relationship to me.

• And so I see, realize and understand that for me to be able to live within self-stability and for me to be able to actually enjoy life and living – I require to make some radical changes in terms of how I approach things. Because within this I see, realize and understand that I am currently existing within a pattern that does not support me as life, a pattern that actually prevents me from really living – as I am merely participating within and am directed by what I perceive that I must do within my external reality, where the determining factor for my participation consist of thoughts in relation to what I believe that I must do, where I miss and disregard what I require in my self-relationship to be able to walk through my external responsibilities as well – and within this I realize that I require to change my approach, change my starting-point towards what I do – to instead make sure that I am the one that decides what I do, instead of letting a thought of ‘this is what I MUST do now’ be what determines what I do and do not do – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot continue existing within this habitual pattern of only considering and prioritizing my external participation in for example school, but that I have to slow myself down and take myself, my self-support and my self-stability into consideration as well - to within that give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my relationship with me to further investigate the pattern that I am existing within in terms of how I have formed my life to become only about what I believe that I must do and in where I have allowed myself to consequentially neglect, disregard and ignore myself and my self-stability within what I am doing – and so within that walk through and incorporate the changes that are required for me to be able to find stability and balance within what I am doing – where I see and realize that one major point here which I see myself requiring is to actually give myself a moment/moments as breaks and me-time during the day – and so I commit myself to, through my writings, my self-forgiveness and my corrective applications, assist and support myself to release myself from the underlying reasons behind why I have formed resistance/fear to and towards giving myself “me-time” – and within that practically incorporate moments as breaks during the day to prevent myself from manifesting additional strain on my physical and consequences in my relationship to myself.

How To Stop Your Internal War - Day 379

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern in where I am making things harder and more difficult than what they actually are through self-sabotaging, in the sense of looking at my external reality and so my external participations/responsibilities and daily living and within me deciding to see it as hard and as difficult – where I am habitually generating and perpetuating an internal struggle and so experiences of stress and anxiety – where I have in a way become so used to experiencing everything as hard and as difficult that I am deliberately continuing to make things difficult for myself, where I in a way want to struggle/fight as an addiction to inherent patterns – and within this I see, realize and understand that I am actually making most things within my life so much harder and much more difficult than what they have to be – where I continually ensure a life of struggle through holding on to a belief in relation to how I think that my life will turn out, a belief in relation to how I think that my life has to be – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one that is responsible for the struggle I am currently experiencing, that just because my life has been a struggle in the past does not mean that I have to persevere in such direction – that I now actually do have the ability to take power over my own life and living and in that decide what type of starting-point and approach I want to have towards my participation – where I now see, realize and understand that the current approach I have towards every aspect of my life are permeated with an internal experience of struggle – where I actually have allowed myself to become addicted to struggling, to making things hard, to self-sabotaging through constantly anticipate failure, misery and difficulties.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept my life to be hard and difficult – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly expect, assume and anticipate that I will always be faced with difficulties, that that is just how my life is and has always been – where things that can ‘go wrong’ will go wrong – not seeing or realizing how I am within this self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to constantly assume that anything bad that can happen, will happen to me – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I assume that things will be difficult and hard, I am consequentially creating such a life for myself – and within this I see, realize and understand that it is time for me to take my life in my own hands and in that re-instruct, re-create and re-establish my approach towards my external participation – and so I commit myself to further investigate this point, as the addiction to inherent patterns, and within that stop the pattern of deliberately creating struggles within my life – but to instead see what I can do, who I can be and how I can experience myself within my life and living if I stop the tendency of self-sabotaging through making everything so difficult.

How to Unleash Your Inner Genius - Day 378

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, trust, give value to and stay within a thought of ‘I don’t get it’ when and as I am studying and perceive myself to be unable to fully grasp the material that I am walking through or when I do not immediately understand how to tackle an equation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of anxiety, fear and frustration to the thought ‘I don’t get it’ – where I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I stay in that ‘I don’t get it’, then I won’t actually get it because I am within that accepting and allowing a thought and reaction to blind me from seeing that it’s all here – that I’ve got it and that it is here in me and as me – that the only thing that is preventing me from accessing the information is just a thought and reaction – where I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself through trusting a thought and through reacting to that thought, instead of within such moments trust myself, slow myself down and breathe where I simply just take in the information.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thought ‘I don’t get it’ cannot help me in any way but will rather just limit me from really seeing what is here and realizing that I do get it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that thought to get in the way, in the sense of accepting and allowing myself to place my trust within and believe a thought to tell me who I am and what I am capable of – instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a thought and reaction – which means that it is when I accept and allow myself to stay in that thought and trust that thought to tell me who I am that I won’t get it – because through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such thought and so the reaction, I give my consent to the mind to tell me who I am within a moment – instead of, within such situations, re-instruct myself and get that thought out of the way so that I can see that I do actually get it, I just have to slow myself down and so allow myself to take in the information.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to get the thought of ‘I don’t get it’ our of the way through no more accepting and allowing myself to trust that thought and stay within that thought – but to instead, when the anxiety/fear/frustration comes up, tell myself ‘Malin, you’ve got it – read slowly, breathe, take in the information, it’s here in me and as me’ – and so realize that I DO have it, it’s just a thought and reaction that is blinding me from seeing that it’s all here.

What Will You Do When Another Gives Up On You?-Day 377

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist asking teachers for help/assistance/support when I am having trouble comprehending something – due to fearing that I will still not understand even if they try to explain something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel stupid if I ask for assistance but will still not comprehend – where I have accepted and allowed myself to, within such situations where I see that I still won’t understand even if another attempts to explain, formed a pattern of automatically going into the experience and belief of myself as being stupid and slow for not immediately understanding – where I consequentially have formed a resistance to and towards asking for help due to the underlying belief of ‘I won’t understand anyway’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is no use in asking teachers for assistance and support when I find myself unable to understand something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that other’s will not be able to explain in a way that makes me comprehend due to how this typically happens when I ask for assistance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is just something wrong with me, that it is my fault that I normally won’t understand when others tries to explain something – and so within this have simply just accepted that point of ‘I won’t understand’ as a part of me – not seeing or realizing how accepting and allowing this definition to exist and constantly reverberate within the back of my head, actually limits and prevents me from fully being here when another person attempts to explain something, because within that there is this one aspect of me that has already beforehand decided that ‘I won’t get it anyway’ – which is a belief that is based on the past, where I am just constantly accessing all the times where I did not understand and in where I am holding on to those instances instead of giving myself a new opportunity in every moment. I mean, I cannot know whether I will comprehend something or not through just accessing the past and trusting that ‘that’s just how it normally is’ – because within that I won’t even give myself a clean slate or a fair shot.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself as stupid and slow when and as I ask another for assistance/support and when I do not manage to comprehend/understand even if another person attempts to explain – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself due to seeing how others/teachers tends to ‘give up on me’ in the sense of just explaining once and then, if and when I still don’t ‘get it’, just walking away – which I have allowed myself to interpret as them, giving up on me and seeing it as an impossible task to ‘make me understand’ – not seeing or realizing that just because someone ‘gives up and walks away’ does not automatically mean that I am too stupid or that I am to blame – so, I see, realize and understand that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide in such moments who I am going to be in relation to someone walking away, that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide how I am going to react – and so I realize that I can, within such situations decide, who I am going to be, how I am going to experience myself and what I will accept and allow and what not – where I realize that another person’s behavior is their behavior, it is not something I must take responsibility for – however, what I do have to take responsibility for is who I am in relation to and as a response to other people’s behaviors.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will give up on me in the sense of attempting to explain something and in where I still won’t understand – and in where this eventually leads another person to just ‘walk away’ – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately, automatically and instantaneously give up on myself and see myself as a failure due to perceiving and interpreting it as though another person gives up on me and so within that just accept the fact that ‘I don’t understand this’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I could actually instead go ‘ok, so that would not help me understand/comprehend – so, let’s find a solution, let’s look at what I do require to understand’ – and so re-instruct myself within such moment to instead of just going ‘I don’t get it, I am stupid’ go ‘ok, let’s look for a solution’ – I mean, why would I want to just give up and feel like shit about myself when I can instead assist and support myself to see it as challenge, as an opportunity to learn, expand and grow? And so within that instead decide to walk the path that I can actually enjoy for myself – I mean it is so simple in the sense of looking at it as just one simple decision that I have to make, to in that just take the decision to see it as ‘ok, don’t understand, cannot compute – let’s take this on, let’s find a solution and let’s walk it!’

To be continued.. 

Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to decide who I am, how I am going to experience myself and so decide my self-worth, but have instead accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am and my self-worth can only be assessed and determined by other people – not seeing or realizing that I can always decide for myself how I am going to see myself – and so, no matter if I perceive it as though another person sees me as totally and completely worthless, I still have the responsibility to decide whether that is something I want to define myself according to or not – and therefor I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, just accepted whatever perception I form in relation to what other people seem to think of me – in where I never within that saw or realized that I was actually responsible for feeling like shit – that I am the only one responsible for how I react to and towards others opinions/my interpretation and perception of other people’s opinions – and so within this I see, realize and understand that I can, in every moment, decide who I am going to be in relation to and as a response towards the opinions I perceive others to form of me – so, why not give myself the opportunity to stand as that awareness in every moment, where I take a stance to stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing every interpretation I form in relation to what others thinks of me and within that instead decide to slow myself down in the sense of actually assessing other people’s opinions in where I within that decide whether that opinion is something I want to accept or not – and so make an actual decision where I see and realize that I can in fact let the opinion bounce back in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to just automatically and instantaneously absorb it but to instead slow myself down and within me assess whether the opinion really in fact is who I am – or if I am instead going to decide, for myself, who I am, how I am going to experience myself and what my self-worth is. I mean, why would I want to make myself feel like crap when I can decide not to?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as I did in the past in relation to my school-situation and in relation to the response I received of not doing good enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of experiencing it as though others sees me as a failure, as not good enough, to be and become what moves and motivates me within my current participation within school and studying. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am currently attempting and trying to compensate for the failure I perceived myself to be – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to prove myself good enough and make up for all the apparent failures I committed in the past – not seeing or realizing that through accepting and allowing myself to exist within this construct of ‘attempting to make up for my past’ I am in fact merely feeding a polarity-construct, where I am perpetuating the fear of failure through accepting and allowing that fear to be what guides, moves and directs me to work hard, where I am essentially generating fear as an attempt to obtain the positive side of the polarity of feeling good enough and worthy – not seeing or realizing that this has in fact lead me nowhere, because I see how the experience and belief of myself as being worthless, a failure and not good enough persists – so, the fact that I now have, for years, been an ‘A-student’ does obviously not change anything in relation to how I internally experience and see myself, so – I see, realize and understand that the grades I obtain now cannot make up for the past, it cannot make up for how I internally see and experience myself – and so the only thing that can actually make up for my past and thus release me from the self-beliefs I have created is me, that I can only develop persistent self-acceptance through re-instructing and re-creating myself from the within to the without.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to step beyond the fear of the experience of not being good enough/failing – and within this see, realize and understand that I now have the tools with which to stabilize myself and so therefor I see and realize that I do not require to fear an experience – because I do have me, my breathing and the tools that I require to be able to direct myself out of an experience. Within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations in where I see that I am within the mind speculating about other people’s possible opinions of me – to within such moments no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within the mind – but to instead immediately stop, where I within this commit myself to take self-responsibility through deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself – and so I take the decision to stop making myself feel like crap but to instead support myself within my self-relationship through seeing and realizing that I actually do have the ability and the responsibility to decide how I am going to experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others thinks of me.

How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375

When looking back at my experience within school I can see that it was as though it did not matter how hard I tried, it did not matter how much time I spent studying – I still just couldn’t make it, it wouldn’t ‘pay off’. After a while I started to see it as useless, I mean – why should I even try when it does not pay off. I realized that whether I would study really, really hard or wouldn’t study at all – I still got the same results. I was ashamed and disappointed at myself, because I worked so hard and put so much effort into studying but I was not good enough anyway. I drew the conclusion that if I wouldn’t study at all, if I just gave up and pretended as though I didn’t give a fuck – then at least it would be ‘my decision’ to get bad results, then it wouldn’t be an outflow of my inadequacies but rather just a conscious decision to not care.

And so now I see that this was what I actually decided to do. I had for many, many years worked so hard, pushed myself so extensively and I still got the same feedback; it’s not enough. I could not do more than what I did, I just couldn’t seem to mold myself, adjust myself and align myself with what was referred to as ‘a good student’. In the end it is not your effort, how much time you dedicate, or how hard you try that gets graded – but rather the scores you get on the exams.

We had these evaluations where you sat down with your parents and the teacher and got feedback on how you were doing. It always felt like an execution. Every semester I studied as much as one could possibly do but I still got negative feedback, it was still not enough – what was I supposed to do? I see how I would immediately and unquestionably just accept what the teachers said and in that trusted their evaluation to be what determined my self-worth. I never even considered looking inside of myself and question what others said about me, or realizing that it was not even about ME per se, I mean it was not my self-worth that was being evaluated – instead I would just absorb it and define myself accordingly, where I would form the belief that I am a failure no matter how hard I try. And so after a while I decided to become what I perceived others to think of me – where I deliberately stopped trying and pretended as though I did not care anymore. I mean, it just seemed easier to take the negative feedback if I had made a deliberate decision to not work hard.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback I got from the teachers as a child – where I immediately, instantaneously and unquestionably just accepted and absorbed the teachers opinions of me and my ‘performance’ – not seeing or realizing that they were merely just commenting on and pointing out how I did externally in relation to my ‘performance’ and in that assessing whether the knowledge I possessed were aligned with the instructions that they had in relation to what a student of my age should be able to pull off, that it was not an evaluation of who I was or my self-worth – and so I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume and take for granted that the opinions other people have of my external performances defines who I am, and so thinking and believing that I am not good enough as who I am if other people form negative opinions of my external performances – not seeing or realizing that opinions does not determine or define who I am – therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to my perception of others opinions of my external performances – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that after all I am the one that ultimately determines who I am, how I experience myself and who I am going to be in relation/as a response to others opinions – and so I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to accept and allow myself to define myself by and according to – and I am therefor responsible for who I am in relation to other people’s feedback, where I see and realize that when another person makes an assessment of my performance, it is not in any way an assessment of my self-worth or self-value.

• In this I commit myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what opinion I perceive another person to form of me – I am still capable of deciding who I am going to be in relation to that, where I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide whether I am going to absorb or question – whether I am going to let perceptions I form in regards to what another person thinks of me/my performance to decide how I am going to experience myself or not. And so therefor I commit myself to, when and as I see or perceive it as though another person forms an opinion of who I am or my external performances, start question what comes up within the mind as a response to my external situation – and within that stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing and just taking it – to instead within me say ‘wait a minute, is this really something that I would want to experience myself as?’ – and so within that I direct and decide for myself who I am – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically ‘take it’ – but to instead question it and realize that I am ultimately the one that decides how I am going to experience myself – so why would I want to make myself feel like shit through taking other people’s opinions personally, when I could instead actually decide to stop, to not accept or allow myself to go there in the sense of taking it personally but to instead decide, in that moment that no, I don’t want to make myself feel like shit anymore – from now on I decide.

To be continued..